Sometimes, Loneliness can strike you...

[Razoff]

Hey reborn city, since I'm done clearing all of the fan games of the forum(spork, rej, desolation) I just wanted to share something that you may understand or not. I'm talking about love here, well I have to say I'm definitely one of the shyest person in the world when it comes to flirt, i don't count the years I've been single anymore, I'm used to it. But sometimes when I look around me and see such passion between some couples, I feel envy growing in me,i mean it's cool sometimes to have a girl waking you up with some morning hugs and all of that stuff. But unfortunately it doesn't get along with my personality, I'm not a nihilist but I rarely give a damn about something and I consider myself as a coyote, leader of my own pack wandering with no specific goals. I tried to go out with women and all, but where I am nobody shares my passion, video games. They are all about being drunk, spending their life on social media's trying to get attention and always look out for muscles not intelligence. I thought this would evolve after highschool but it's been 3 years since I'm college now and nothing has changed, they don't want to hang out with me because of my tastes (I understand). Don't get me wrong, I Swear I'm in shape, I eat healthy, doing weekly exercises regularly since my young age, but yeah people can think I'm an heartless scum thinking only about his self, just because I don't want to get involved in some useless situations. But hey if I sometimes feels love, that means I still have a heart made of flesh not stone. So lads, do some of you feels the same way? Or I'm just being delusional and should change.

[Candy]

I totes feel you, but not in the "envy of couples" sense because I just can't wrap my mind around what is so great about being in a romantic relationship. I rather friendships, but when my interests are Pokemon and writing at 22 years old, people who really click with me are limited. I can make friends, but just on a superficial level- like talking about class, lab (I'm a life science PhD student), and going for a drink maybe. That's why I've tended to stay at home most of the time since that's where I can do the things I love... but now that I'm starting graduate school, I need to force myself to socialize since networking is what grad school is for. So yah you're not alone pal, and I'm sure you'll find love eventually. Just remember the world is a big place and the ppl you know now isn't but a small sample of it

[Razoff]

Hah thanks mate, well this is the exact relationship I have with my class, superficial, but it strucks me that at 21 years old, people will always judge the book by the cover, and cling to stereotypes, like this guy is a gamer better stay away from him... 

[Arys]

Hey, we can be friends. I've been single for 22 years. There's a time when I feel curious what it feels like being a relationship, so I just answer yes to whoever ask me out at the next time. God, that is horrible. Even though we had same hobby and get along well when we were friends, I hate skinship and asked daily about what I did. I think romance is impossible for me.

Now I'm just a workaholic person (and a bit shy).

 

Also, people who think drinking alcohol is cool are stupid. People who forced other people to drink until they drop are stupid. Just because you can drink alcohol doesn't mean you should, I still love my liver and hate being tipsy (sorry for my rant).

 

I swear I'm going to be an old cat lady (I don't have cat yet, looking for one) so if you want a friends like that, I welcome it.

[Razoff]

Hey there, ofc we can be friends! I don't care if you consider yourself as an old cat lady, at least you are considering yourself and not trying to be a sheep just to get some attention,this is what I'm looking for

[Yoma_masaho]

Well, as someone who's never even been on a date in 27 years, I can relate to being lonely. I have...issues, to say the least, but if you're looking for a friend who doesn't much care for drinking or muscles, and enjoys at least two video games, then you can count me in.

[Razoff]

Hey thank you man, I care for muscles only for health reasons and not for bragging about... 

[ProjectIceman]

I feel you bro. I've been single for almost all of my life (with my first gf being a long distance relationship that did not last...c'mon. Long distance as a first relationship? lol) I think of myself as a lone wolf at times. There are times where half of me envies being at having a relationship, but the other half thinks of it as too stressful.

 

Or maybe that's just me being lazy. Hell if I know (lol).

 

I wonder if I should attend one of those gaming or anime conventions. Not saying that I will definitely get a girlfriend there, but maybe at least interact with people with similar interests and build relationships.

 

[GenEric]

i dont want to be frank

but this is a really toxic way of thinking

if you really think that all women are superficial then youre just being a walking hypocrite

what i suggest is dumping this way of thinking and maybe start paying attention to more people

there are tons of people who have similar interests with you

and if they dont, you can always introduce them to gaming

good luck with your love life and i hope you can find the happiness you want

[Yoma_masaho]

4 hours ago, Nightzer said:

Hey thank you man, I care for muscles only for health reasons and not for bragging about... 

I knew what you meant.

 

1 hour ago, Archeric said:

i dont want to be frank

but this is a really toxic way of thinking

if you really think that all women are superficial then youre just being a walking hypocrite

what i suggest is dumping this way of thinking and maybe start paying attention to more people

there are tons of people who have similar interests with you

and if they dont, you can always introduce them to gaming

good luck with your love life and i hope you can find the happiness you want

So, I was hoping to broach this topic gently, but I guess that ship has sailed. I don't know whether it's just unfortunate choice of words, or a result of too many bad personal experiences, but you do come off rather bitter in your first post, Nightzer. You asked whether you need to change, and the answer is "yes". If nothing else, at least self-reflect on your interactions and truly consider if your tastes really are the problem. Archeric might have been a bit blunt, but he's not wrong; you'd have to be awfully unlucky if the only people around you are as shallow as you claim.

[Razoff]

Both of you are 100% right, and I ain't even mad at you Archeric because what you say is the truth. But the fact is that I've tried what you said at some point but this is not NA, at least when I've been in America people were gentle and nice, but here people will look you as a mere insect just because you aren't following the sheep train, and I gave up on get along with them because whatever you do you can't change the nature of man, so yeah I may be a coward and have a losing spirit but at least deep down in me I say "I tried man", so yeah people are shallow as I claim but also I don't travel so much and usually stay in one place bc you know, studies...

[ZEL]

There's a lot to unpack here, but I'm going to try to address two things first and foremost, to the best of my ability.

Let's get the less pleasant one out of the way first:

 

On 9/21/2018 at 8:34 PM, Nightzer said:

They are all about being drunk, spending their life on social media's trying to get attention and always look out for muscles not intelligence.

 

4 hours ago, Nightzer said:

just because you aren't following the sheep train

Both of those statements are, as Archeric already pointed out, incredibly superficial.

In just one sentence, you have swiftly and negatively dismissed "most women" based on their method of socializing (going out for drinks and partying) and their choice in partners (muscles).

You've parroted just about every popular stereotype about women right off the bat, evoking the image of the "dumb promiscuous party girl" that's so terribly ingrained in our society, and I can only encourage you to spare a few critical thoughts on why you view women this way.

 

You're frustrated because you feel like people treat you badly due to your different lifestyle, but right here you're doing the exact same thing you condemn them for.

I'm sure you're a friendly person and pleasant to hang out with once one gets to know you. And if you don't enjoy socializing with certain types of people because you don't have enough in common, that's fine.

But reducing them to being "shallow" "sheep" because their interests are different and yes, perhaps more common than yours, makes you look self-absorbed and condescending. And I doubt that's what you want to come across as.

 

It's also worth pointing out that this kind of thinking can easily result in shooting your own foot, so to say, once you do meet people who fit your relationship criteria.

I certainly would not date a man who generalizes women like this.

When guys tell women that they like them because they're "not like other women", it doesn't sound like "wow you're a cool person who i enjoy spending time with". It sounds like "Unlike those other women, you meet my standards". Charming.

 

Everything you've said about other people so far makes you sound like you consider them beneath you, and that's... a very off-putting trait that doesn't make people feel inclined to like you.

 

Don't get me wrong, it sucks when you have uncommon interests and can't find a lot of people who share them, and I understand how frustrating it is to feel lonely because of that.

But what you need to understand is that you cannot blame other people for this. Other people aren't at fault for your loneliness just because they have interests that you don't care about.

You can either try to introduce people to your interests, as Archeric suggested, or put yourself out there and see if you can find ways to increase your chances at meeting like-minded folks.

Less "ugh, if only all these people weren't so mainstream", and more "how can I make it easier to find people like me?"

Which brings me to...

 

On 9/21/2018 at 8:34 PM, Nightzer said:

I tried to go out with women and all, but where I am nobody shares my passion, video games.

 

On 9/21/2018 at 8:34 PM, Nightzer said:

they don't want to hang out with me because of my tastes (I understand).

I know this is gonna sound like a cliché answer at first, but: you're probaby not looking in the right places.

Now, hear me out on that one: In the age of the internet, it has become easier than ever before to find people who share your passions. Whether it be directly through online gaming, or gaming communities, or any other type of social media, there are countless platforms at hand on which you are able to talk to like-minded people.

It's a super easy way to form friendships, because you're 1. no longer limited to the area you live in, but also because 2. it even make it easier to find people in your area.

It even comes with the added bonus of making socializing easier for folks who get a bit anxious when they're trying to approach people IRL.

Meeting people online can actually be a wonderful method of developing better social skills by allowing you to take baby steps.

 

Apart from the internet, you can also try to look at clubs in or near your college. Those are generally a really good way to link up with like-minded people offline, and again comes with the bonus of finding people in your area.

You can also check for conventions. Maybe you can't afford to go to, say, Comic Con, but maybe that game store in your city is holding occasional events?

 

There is no shortage of people interested in video games, and there is also no shortage of women interested in video games. Gaming is a multi-million dollar industry. It's far from being an obscure niche interest these days.

 

One more thing (that I realize, however, is very money-dependent): Merch can do wonders sometimes. People have started whole conversations with me based on band shirts I've worn or accessories I carry with me. One New Year's Eve I went to the city alone and ended up invited to hang out with a bunch of strangers for the rest of the celebrations because one of them had attended the same metal festival I wore a shirt from.

People comment on my eeveelution keychains all the time.

 

 

I understand being shy, introverted and potentially insecure, but if you really do feel so lonely then you're not doing yourself a favor by telling yourself it's not worth working on your social skills.

The best for you isn't always what's easiest.

[Razoff]

Wow zel what a slice of an answer. You are right about my first statement, I may be to harsh with those kind of people, but what pisses me off is that usually those people are rude, not any manner, dumb(in a bad way) but again this is my PERSONAL experience, so right not more judgements like this, I know when I say mistakes and accept it. About your last advice, as I said I'm not in NA and on top of that I live in a quite unknown city, so there isn't gaming events, comic con, or tournaments. But I know those types of events  last year when I was in California I went to the comic con, even the Dota 2 international at Seattle. Thanks again zel what you said was very constructive 

[ZEL]

Oh I'm not from NA either, should've probably mentioned that, aha.

I grew up in a rather rural area myself and only moved to a bigger city once I got into uni, so as a teenager when I wanted to do anything related to my hobbies I usually had to try the next biggest cities.

It's definitely more impractical than if you're right in the middle of it, but it was worth it.

 

But, say, it does make me wonder: How do you usually try to socialize with people? Like, you've said you've had a lot of bad experiences with people when you were trying to connect. How come?

Cuz don't get me wrong, it sucks when you find yourself face-to-face with the wrong kinds of people. That does happen. But even in a smaller town, even in a smaller school/college, the population isn't made up completely of those people, so perhaps it's necessary to change the methods of your approach?

 

I'm mainly asking because you've described yourself as both shy and a bit of a lone wolf. To me that sounded like you're a kind of person who would find it easier to increase the chance that someone will approach you, than to be the person doing the first steps. My suggestions were mostly based around that: clubs and conventions are by default places where you can be reasonably confident that people share your interests, because duh. That's why you're all there. It takes away a lot of anxiety when you know you're in the right place.

Making your interests obvious through appearance etc offers an invitation to people to talk to you about them.

 

But if that's not an option (or only rarely an option), you might be forced to be more bold and outgoing, leave your comfort zone a little. Chat up people, find out if they like some of the same stuff as you.

And that's where the trying not to generalize comes in, because sometimes you'll find the best conversation partner in the person you least expected it to be.

It also does mean, yeah, that sometimes you'll be stuck talking about things you don't care so much about - after all, other people are passionate about their hobbies, too, and hoping to find someone who shares them. It's still good practise, though!

 

It's also worth remembering that people aren't always rude by choice. They may not realize they said something hurtful, or they're a bit clumsy at socializing. Sometimes it's easy to forget that we're not the only ones who feel awkward, and that everyone else isn't a master of conversation^^

(Take me, for example I probably sounded a lot more harsh than I was in my head. (For which I apologize, btw. I try not to be a big meanie, but the lecture tone slips through a lot.))