More rants

[RedAlert]

So I've already talked about my experience with someone in another thread here, but here comes another one.

 

So once again, just like last time, a girl that I had a crush on for a while and I didn't ask out because I was afraid of rejection came into my life. Very pretty, sweet and comforting to be around. We had one fun night together where she couldn't stop laughing at what I said, but that was it. She's a friend of my friend's girlfriend that happened to hang out with us at some time.

 

The thing that really grinds my gears is that today I get a random message from her saying that she liked me and wanted to get to know me better. However, as I mentioned in my rejuvenation intense run, I quit my job and am moving away from the city. The fact that I didn't act earlier is killing me and I despise myself for it.

 

Now unlike my previous story, I am not hung up on her, despite the fact I am a guy who gets really into the person once I find the initial sparks flying. I am hating myself for not finding the courage to not ask earlier.

 

I believe the reason for my not asking is because the first time I asked a girl out, I was rejected. That feeling of mistaken assumption kills me and I do not dare to engage in it again, as it took me 3 years to get over her, thanks to my (now ex) girlfriend and a lot of excercise and working on myself.

 

But the root psychological issue still remains. This has happened with around 5 girls in the past year, all of them at a particular point I realized fancied me as well, and I have blown up all these chances due to varying circumstances. I was either too needy or too laid back, put too much effort or too less and I have ended up fucking up all my potential relationships. Even my ex has ended up blocking me because she said she can't deal with my inattentiveness, although I really doubt that is the case. (I feel she really loved me a lot more than I did her, which really sucks but disrupts the balance of the relationship, but that's for another day).

 

I write this now because I am frustrated with myself cause despite the fact that I am healthy, have very good friends and a decent career ahead of me I end up being depressed because of my inability to retain someone. I feel like the learning curve attached to these experiences is nonexistant because I keep doing the same thing - I do something stupid, relapse into depression, start smoking and drinking until one day I realize what I should be doing and get back into my ordinary routine, only to spiral backwards when I fuck up again.

 

Sorry for the rant, just some things I need to get off my chest and would rather post online to strangers than friends.

 

Thanks for listening