What should i do, now?

[Guest Relinquished]

I did quit and retreat. Faced my fears, overcame my weakness, even fended off against somebody akin to me, on the opposite "side". I obviously "lost". The lessons were heavy and numerous. I swallowed them all up and now i try to "digest" them, slowly process them.

 

Problem is, i cannot find the urge? The motivation? The reason? The purpose? The meaning? The anything? To go on, try new things, open up towards a new start, or something... It's not fear. Something broke, inside me. Yes, i won't be able to trust a single *living* human, ever again. No, henceforth, i will not allow my initial estimation/desicion be swayed, or my premonition be ignored. But i remain almost motionless and completely waste my (precious) time. My break-time should have ended already, a long time ago at that, but i cannot move outside my safe space. I don't have money problems (for the time being at least), but i don't like my complete unwillingness to go find a new job. I sit idly all day long, using the internet, reading manga, playing games, etc. I even neglect my darlings (cats/dogs) and don't play with them, like before. It's nothing new to me, really, but this time, i seem unable to get unstuck, for a reason... I even closed my mobile and don't open my emails up.

 

Weird, but one day that i ventured outside and went to the center of the city, a girl suddenly approached me and started acting funny, as if she was hitting on me, while her friends were giggling merrily and chatting between them... Blushing and all that, asking for my mobile number, even though we were complete strangers... I stared at her with an empty gaze, smiled sadly and kindly told her to not waste her time, on somebody like me; instead, she should find somebody better suited, for a cute, young girl like her. And i left, almost as if running away, before she could have a chance to respond, or me to even look at her face/reaction... What "startled" me, though, is that i felt nothing. A completely blank state. As if that didn't happen at all. Also, no guilt, no remorse, not even anger towards myself, for passing up such "opportunity"? Pleasantry? Good luck? Probably ticket to happiness, had i responded positively??? I will never know; shrugs.

 

And returned home. Still not wanting to meet anyone, go anywhere, do anything; nothing. I feel like a corpse who eats, sleeps and waits for nothing, believes in nothing, does nothing. Hell, it is like coma suspension, or something. I even oversleep in a lethargic state... I used to wake up very early in the morning but now, i sleep until noon, heavily, without having dreams either. And outside sleep, i don't have any dreams anymore, either.

 

It's as if unwillingly, passively, pulled the plug off me. Once again, my question is simple... How to "revive" myself? I barely "function". How to revitalize myself? Where and when there is nobody and nothing around me, to mobilize/motivate/inspire me again?

[Yahen]

Ok ill sort of spam your post cause i like to comment while reading so sowwy forgive yahy in advance

Some months ago this Ame's video happened to appear in my Youtube feed, you should check it out i guess.

Paraphrasing it, you need to do things in order to get that feeling back, just go and start something even without high expectations on it, it will help. Also try to do your responsabilities (the ones that you don't sort of feel motivated to) for just 10 minutos or so (yeah lie to yourself on this one, cause your goal is to end up doing the thing). Exemple: today yahy had to do a college Calculus list. Yahy is lazy. Yahy wanted to watch tv and hug doggydog. Yahy lied to zeself to do one or two questions of the list, and ended up doing it entirely.

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

Yes, i won't be able to trust a single living human, ever again

You shouldn't do that! You need to trust people to make stronger bonds! Telling the truth always help on this! Trust them, even if you know they're lying, and forgive mistakes (many, not all), people are not perfect! They will lie, they will betray ya, but if they do it, and you show that as a friend you've forgive them, they will like ya GSy person even more! (They will keep doing that, everyone fucks up sometimes).

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

No, henceforth, i will not allow my initial estimation/desicion be swayed, or my premonition be ignored

Ignoring things is wrong to start with. Trust your intuition. But there are some things you just don't need to say ya know. Last week a friend stole Yahy's pen, and Yahy knew it. I just let that go and asked the class as if i didn't know. Of course Yahy's friend did not give it back that day. But they gave it back this week, and made all that sowwy plz 4gimme yahy and i wuz like yyy thx for giving it back nerd. Of course this wuz extreme and you should level it around the person you're deling with, in this case, it wuz one of my closest friends, so i knew ze would give it back.

I did not lose anything for not saying that i knew it. But i avoided starting a bad situation for my friend, and ze unconsciounly (i dont know how to spell this) strenghtened they bond to me.

 

 

 

 

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

But i remain almost motionless and completely waste my (precious) time. My break-time should have ended already, a long time ago at that, but i cannot move outside my safe space. I don't have money problems (for the time being at least), but i don't like my complete unwillingness to go find a new job. I sit idly all day long, using the internet, reading manga, playing games, etc. I even neglect my darlings (cats/dogs) and don't play with them, like before. It's nothing new to me, really, but this time, i seem unable to get unstuck, for a reason... I even closed my mobile and don't open my emails up.

This might be an attention deficit problem, Yahy does the same thing!

Being sort of sad at a moment + having attention deficit caused most of my problems around this thingys. Now Yahy takes a medicine and go to some tall weird doctor that welps me with some exercises.

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

Weird, but one day that i ventured outside and went to the center of the city, a girl suddenly approached me and started acting funny, as if she was hitting on me, while her friends were giggling merrily and chatting between them... Blushing and all that, asking for my mobile number, even though we were complete strangers... I stared at her with an empty gaze, smiled sadly and kindly told her to not waste her time, on somebody like me; instead, she should find somebody better suited, for a cute, young girl like her. And i left, almost as if running away, before she could have a chance to respond, or me to even look at her face/reaction... What "startled" me, though, is that i felt nothing. A completely blank state. As if that didn't happen at all. Also, no guilt, no remorse, not even anger towards myself, for passing up such "opportunity"? Pleasantry? Good luck? Probably ticket to happiness, had i responded positively??? I will never know; shrugs

Yahy is not good with love matters... sowwy i can't help ya with that

But it sure is weird to some random person to hit ya up. Yahy feels weird too when this happens (like 3 times in Yahy's entire life)

 

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

And returned home. Still not wanting to meet anyone, go anywhere, do anything; nothing. I feel like a corpse who eats, sleeps and waits for nothing, believes in nothing, does nothing. Hell, it is like coma suspension, or something. I even oversleep in a lethargic state...

Yahy feels like this too sometimes. Ya should try having someone to provoke you (i guess thats the word)

Like Yahy's mamma/friends that just go and say like hey weird person you are getting out of this state now "noooo fuck off" "you ARE leaving this house rn and watch a movie with ya mamma fucking nerdy nerd come the fuck on"

it usually works. And when it doesn't, Yahy start feeling bad and go back in the decision of not going.

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

. I used to wake up very early in the morning but now, i sleep until noon, heavily, without having dreams either. And outside sleep, i don't have any dreams anymore, either.

This is a problem that depressed people usually have, Yahy too, cant wake up early even though i need to. Usually, Yahy has nightmares, but better not have any dreams than that imo. Yahy takes a sleep medicine that makes ze go vida loka for 1 hour and them sleep like a rock to wake up feeling like i had the best rest in my life. Doc said i should take it, so you might wanna visit one for this sleep thing, it is surely a big problem.

2 hours ago, GS BALL said:

It's as if unwillingly, passively, pulled the plug off me. Once again, my question is simple... How to "revive" myself? I barely "function". How to revitalize myself? Where and when there is nobody and nothing around me, to mobilize/motivate/inspire me again?

I see, sowwy for saying about having someone to inspire you earlier.

If you dont. I know it will be hard, but you need to do this yourself. Be that Mamma that kicks Yahy but and says go out there make friends you fucking nerd. But do this to yourself. I do it sometimes, it usually works, but when it doesn't, nothing that a big'old roll out of the bed doesn't solve. Try it, it might not work 100%, but it should at least help.

 

Thats all i guess

See ya round Bally GS person

[LemonJones]

On 3/19/2019 at 8:17 PM, GS BALL said:

I I sit idly all day long, using the internet, reading manga, playing games, etc. I even neglect my darlings (cats/dogs) and don't play with them, like before. It's nothing new to me, really, but this time, i seem unable to get unstuck, for a reason... I even closed my mobile and don't open my emails up.

Add jacking off and you got a combo for either sadness or the blank state you're at. Get the fuck out of your comfort zone. Short time span of a couple of months is enough to turn this thing around. There's no better place to start than to hang out with someone and tag along straight to the gym or any kind of workout. There's a reason why this generic working out works. Notice how the depression/sadness/anger/selfpity/blank whateverthefuck people do EXACTLY these things you've mentioned. You're a dopamine fiend and suddenly reached the point where this thing is not enough. Like a tolerance. I bet my cookie box you don't even enjoy these things anymore. It's basic brain chemistry.  

 

Step out of your comfort zone and work on long term stuff. You'll fight your own damn brain during this perion, especially starting with it. You've trained it or yourself if you prefer with all these instant gratifications, basically screwing yourself up without even noticing it. Most do.

 

I'll suggest you to distract yourself with a job, it will give you less time to donkey around with pointless bullshit. As someone who played games daily excessively and skipped weeks of school for it, I've found out how much of a robot I am while playing some games I thought were my favorite. Turned out I don't like 90% of it anymore. Pokemon games are such a repetitive drag now. In fact I dare saying I understand the formula of games and how they get you hooked.  Second and this one is quite big and sometimes notoriously hard depending on a person - NoFap 3 months reset. It's quite alright to fail multiple times and yo the feeling is no bullshit. It's a wake up slap to the blank state. Of course the last one is training. There are a couple or really good dudes with quality videos on these matters, quite inspiring. Lots to learn for even experienced people in the area. Here's one with straight to the point and no bullshit https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9459CRFjiCq52yKuiraD4w

 

Right, I spewed my mind above. Lemme tell you that I felt quite close to what you described until the end of this January. Now I'm feeling like I'm kicking ass and loving it, didn't even think it's possible. Reasonably obviously it was/is but damn it's tough once your thoughts start spinning.

 

Wish you well, do something for yourself and start growing. Digital trash is making you rot bro.