Being Neuro Divergent Online, Or In General

[Bearadactyl]

(I am unsure if this should go here, given it's technically somewhat of an essay/rant type deal; or if it should just be in misc. If it needs to be moved, please do move it; it feels like a grey area where it should go to me.)

Hello, I'm Bearadactyl/Bear; though my real name is Alex. And, I am on the autism spectrum (ASD.) 

 

Now, I've had to think pretty long and hard to decide how exactly I should structure/word this post or if I should even make it at all; and I'm hoping that providing anonymous quotes doesn't violate any forum rules, I'm already scared to death that speaking out with this is going to lead to me getting banned or something. 

 

But, after an exchange I had with another person, some things they said really stuck and made me think a bit more than usual. Hence, why I even considered this in the first place. 

 

I want to say first and foremost, this post is not a call out. This post is not meant to guilt anyone. This post is not meant as a means to make anyone feel bad, not meant to be a form of retaliation and most importantly not meant to be an "excuse." And, no identities will be given whatsoever here; the quotes are just needed for my point or context and nothing else. This post's purpose is not to highlight any issue with a particular user in the community.

 

This post is meant entirely to be some kind of informative, and to spread awareness of something I believe to be an issue. Now, how successful it will be at that; I have no idea. 

 

Now, the particular snippets that stood out to me were: 

 

"You have what you're going to say, and you're just going to say it."

"You suddenly show up without regard for what happens in the place you're talking in."

"In general, it's really irritating."

"The issue is not what you're saying but how and when."

 

I am not trying to take things out of context, these are just the relevant snippets to what I'm trying to spread awareness of, I know the things said were wholeheartedly of good intention and nothing ill was meant by it at all. And, I bare nothing ill toward the other party here. The importance of these particular snippets should be clear once I get to the informative portion below. 

 

Alright, Neurodivergence can be a lot of things. ADHD, Depression, ASD, Borderline Disorder, etc. This post is going to use ASD predominantly, because that's how I'm Neurodivergent; and I don't want to presume anything about other forms of Neurodivergence. 

 

So, ASD is different for everyone. It ranges from social behavior/social understanding, to speech/language, to the need for rigid routines, to hyper fixations, to having sensory overload or lack of reaction to certain sensory input, to even emotional overload and lack of empathy (though this plays into the social issues as well.) All of these and other factors can lead to varying levels of developmental delays, socially and academically. Also, bare in mind, what I listed is not all inclusive; there are many other specific factors that go into it. Way too many to list here, at least properly.

 

It will be rare for someone on the spectrum to have the exact same diagnosis as someone else, hence, why it's a spectrum. Some people can be totally autonomous in life, while some might be unable to live independently as a result of their place on the spectrum making every day very difficult to handle alone. You also have people in between, where they are autonomous for the most part, but life is still never the less difficult for them to live.

 

Using myself as an example, some key parts of my diagnosis are: Atypical thought patterns; difficulty understanding social "rules," patterns, and conventions; difficulty empathizing with others; difficulty expressing emotions and rationalizations; difficulty regulating emotions; hyper fixation; and tendency to take statements or humour literally. However, I am able to be mostly autonomous in society, because I tend to mask; or try and hide a good portion of my autistic behaviours. They're more apparent the more comfortable I am with people or a setting. Though, not everyone who masks will drop their mask. I feel I should mention, masking is incredibly dangerous and detrimental to the mental health of someone; and many will mask online by default because it's sometimes easier to do. Some people you meet online, you may never know are Neurodivergent. Even some that you meet in person. 

 

Now, why is all of this relevant? Well, it's relevant in particular to being online because social conventions are different online. There's no body language to pick up on, it's hard to grasp tone of a situation (even more for some people with ASD,) identifying certain things online is more difficult by default. And, it adds to the struggle Neurodivergent people face; especially those with trouble socializing or recognizing/understanding emotion. There's two different conventions to try and adhere to, and one can be challenging enough on its own. And, that's not even mentioning or discussing the stigma regarding Neurodivergence that's present in society. The pressure to be "normal." This is made even worse for people in other marginalized groups: People of colour, LGBT+ people, etc. 

 

The snippets I posted are relevant, because they are things that some people on the autism spectrum do. Many without realizing it. They can sometimes just open up and let things out. Good example? Maybe they post something they're excited about because it's one of their fixations out of the blue. Maybe they do it during a serious discussion or conversation, whether they didn't notice the situation or maybe they didn't pick up on the tone of it or maybe they were just excited and making the post was all that was on their mind; whatever the reason, they posted it because it was something they were excited about and wanted to share it with others too. Maybe they interrupted a conversation to say something without realizing the intensity of the situation, maybe they interrupted a conversation because they just felt they needed to express something. 

 

Some people on the spectrum may come across as overly blunt, even apathetic due to their difficulty expressing or rationalizing a thought or emotion. Sometimes, it can be the inverse; some people may be exploding with emotion at all times. Maybe at the time, they can only manage to express something in one particular way. Maybe they respond to a situation or something someone said because they don't know how to respond in any other way. Maybe they overlook a joke because they literally don't understand it, maybe they do the same over a sarcastic statement. Maybe they join in on a conversation without context or reading into it because they just want to be a part of something. 

 

There are so many things that someone on the spectrum can say or do without realizing it's a problem. And, a lot of that is ultimately my point. A lot of these things? They're often perceived as a problem of negligence, malice, or just not caring. Which, can lead to everything from harsh judgment, to being scolded, or outright punishment. All while the person may have no idea what they did wrong, or why what they did was problematic in the first place. It might not have even occurred to them at all that this situation is not the time or the place for something. And, that's part of the stigma. The assumption that everyone is Neurotypical, or will respond in a Neurotypical fashion to something. 

 

Now, to bring up the only snippet not really addressed. It is irritating, and I feel I need to express, many people on the spectrum are fully aware that it is. We know the things we do, and even ourselves can be or are irritating; believe me we've been told time and time again. And, it's not something we want to be. I know I try so hard not to be. I hate being an irritation, I hate being a problem to someone, I hate even the idea that I might be an annoyance to any extent. But, what I hate even more? Is the anxiety knowing that I eventually can and will be an irritation or worse to someone. It's always on my mind that at some point I'm going to upset someone unintentionally, along with the constant worry or fear of the consequences of it. 

 

Like right now, I'm trying my best to be informative and to raise some kind of awareness involving Neurodivergent people online. But, I'm worried that I'm doing it in a way that's going to bother someone or unintentionally step out of bounds. I have a literal expectation that I'm going to be punished or scolded in some way over making this post. And, I'm sorry if I have screwed up with it; because this kind of thing is really important to me. 

 

The overall point is I just want these kinds of things being considered to be a norm. I want Neurodivergent people to not have to mask, and to be able to make a misstep without some bad end result. Even if it's just being kinder in response to things, or just considering the fact that they may not be Neurotypical. Walking on eggshells is hard, and some people do it more than others.

 

I felt that during these times, when the discussion of marginalized people and privilege are so prevalent; that I could bring something else to the table to be considered and looked at. I'm not trying to detract from the discussion of black lives, the LGBT+ community, or any other group; I'm trying to add to it, because Neurodivergent people exist within these groups as well. And, experience everything they do on top of the stigma and issues surrounding their Neurodivergence. I am part of one of these groups, and the last thing I want is to seem like I'm pulling attention away from them.

 

Now, once again, I want to reiterate: this post is not meant to stir up problems, create drama, shame anyone, or create animosity in any form. I just wanted to post something that adds to a discussion that is extremely important to me as someone on the autism spectrum. This community is really good with these issues overall, and I'm hoping something good can come out of this post.

 

[Candy]

To assure you first, I don’t think there was anything in your post that was against the rules. It read perfectly fine, especially since it’s posted in the rant subforum. Since you’re afraid of upsetting people, thought I’d reassure you first.

 

Now, I’ve had friends on and offline who are on the ASD spectrum. The ones irl had a more severe form so the conversation was more centered around what they wanted to talk about and I only responded to their topic.

However like you say, people online appear to mask their ASD so well that you forget they’re on the spectrum. I’ve wanted to foster inclusivity in the communities I’ve been in, and when there’s someone with ASD, I’ve tried to respond to their excitement whether or not it was appropriate for the time (because I didn’t want them to feel ignored). However, I’m only one person and both the person with ASD and I quickly realized that their comments went largely ignored, whether because it wasn’t appropriate or because of a difference in taste (what we find funny is different for everyone). So I never knew how to foster inclusivity because I can change my behavior to help someone feel part of the community, but I can’t force or expect others to do the same. For the most part we’re adults, so we’re past the age where the school rule of “never exclude everyone and get along with people even if you don’t feel like it” applies.

 

Tl;dr I don’t know how to reconcile a person who wants to get a reaction regardless of time and place and a majority who care about time and place and are selective in what they react to.