Sylvaret's Awkward Space

[Sylvaret]

I'd asked Ame to delete my account before, since I was having a lot of personal troubles (joining the Discord was a bad idea, frankly), but...eh.

 

In the end, that was me just running away--the opposite of what I should be doing, if I'm to work past an extreme fear of people and other things.  So I'm making a new creative thread and just sticking mainly to this little space of mine, since creativity's a pretty good outlet.  It's also a way to express myself in a more effective way, because "socializing" just doesn't work for me at all, sadly.  That said, I'll just paste some writing I typed up earlier.

 

--

 

 

So, things got really bad--again.  But as always, it wasn't really because of anything anyone did, so much as my own past still haunting me.  Even though it's not my intent, I still end up causing trouble for people because of this, and I like to think I have too much self-awareness to use past trauma as an excuse.

...Or maybe I'm just too hard on myself.  I don't really know, honestly.

Either way, I have an extreme fear of people; of getting close to anyone, even as a friend.  I'm consciously aware that there are good people in the world, that not all of humanity is out to get me, and that there are people worth being close to...but that doesn't make this any easier, unfortunately.  This is made more difficult by the fact other people deal with their own struggles, and that some of my behavior is probably pretty triggering...like reminders of what they themselves have suffered.  I'm not the only one who learned to be mistrustful of others; some people are mistrustful of men, others of women, and still others--like myself--of "humanity" as a whole.

So, yeah, I openly admit that I'm misanthropic and trying to find a way past that.  It would be easier if humans in general were more understanding, but that's not something I have any control over.

But at the same time...thinking about it this way makes it hard for me to take a self-centered approach, and I guess that's a good thing, because instead of whining about "evil humans," it just leads me to question the true nature of humanity--whether humans are truly capable of learning from their own mistakes, and whether they're actually capable of facing and accepting their own flaws, instead of running from them or trying to strive for the pipe dream called "perfection."  If all us have our weaknesses and are imperfect by design, I'd think that would be an incentive to always strive for self-improvement, not "perfection," and to pool each other's individual strengths while compensating each other's individual weaknesses.

So, in the end, looking at other people is really me just looking at myself--and I don't really like what I see.

I know a lot of people think that they should go out and spark changes in other things, but how many people realize that one must change themselves first, in order to change the world around them?  How many realize that, instead of subjugating others and forcing them to conform to standards, one can set the example for others to follow and influence change through more positive, productive, and respectable means?  How many people realize that, despite what people and society may tell them, it's not weak to cry, to show one's true self, and openly display one's own humanity?  If anything, that's the greatest show of strength humans are capable of--"weakness" is trying to hide those things and instead don a mask or put on a false act.

I didn't want to perpetuate that sort of weakness.

There's no way I could overcome my own shackles that way, and I wanted to be stronger than all that.  I still haven't found my answer, honestly; I'm still making mistakes, still unable to trust others, and still causing problems when I try to connect with people...but with every hard fall, I see the end of this long tunnel a bit more clearly.  With every bump and bruise, I find a little more strength to move forward and persevere.

I know some people will try to tell me I'm "doing it wrong," and in fact, some already have.  Apparently people have been taught that it's impossible to learn without teachers or mentors; that people who live by their own rules and values, instead of social standards and human laws, are dangerous and do not belong in the world, full-stop.  Little do these people and their own "teachers" realize that such mentality undermines the true capability of humans, and prevents any lasting, meaningful change--something the human species needs as of now.  In my eyes, it's shameful that the societies and laws of humans reflect such a detrimental perspective.

So I'll keep screwing up and learning, little by little, even if nobody wants to associate with me simply for walking my own path and doing things my own way.  I will continue defying the laws that are in fact lawless because of whom they favor or oppress, while working to create my own system.  I will continue turning to nature and what people call "the jungle" for guidance about equality and what "freedom" truly means, instead of human society and civilization.  I will continue to judge humanity against the rest of the world, putting humans on equal ground to every other living thing on the planet, instead of putting them above everything else.  I will continue to look for ways to walk alongside everyone, human or not, in the spirit of harmony and peaceful, mutually-beneficial coexistence, instead of subjugation or assimilation, because that is the how the "real world" works.

I will continue being myself, no matter what anyone thinks, because I believe that's the best contribution I can give not just to "humanity," but the world as a whole.

 

--

 

...Should explain everything.  It's fine if people don't agree, and really, everyone is free to think what they will.  I really don't trust humans, but at the same time, I haven't given up...more than anything, because whenever I feel like throwing in the towel, something happens to bring me back in the game.  It's usually me getting pissed off and then using that anger as fuel to get back on track.  It's like alchemy, I guess--the transmutation of negative, poisonous emotions into sustenance for myself and medicine for others.  As for me being an "outsider," well...I'm really just an outsider to society, civilization, and "humanity" in its current state.  The laws and standards people live by don't work for me at all--they never have, and never will.  I'm really just playing along at this point, waiting for the chance to break away and live by my own rules.

 

Except, uh...they're not really "my" rules.  I learned to live by the laws of nature, not the laws of humans--and it's strange to look in on my own kind and see just how profoundly humans have caged themselves into their own beliefs about what the "real world" is.  Like, for example, how humans believe the little glass-dome realm called "civilization" is the world in tis entirety.  Not everyone believes that, out of an understanding that there's far more to the world than humanity, but sadly those people are branded as "dangerous" in some way.  The irony is that, when it comes to "law and order," what people call "the jungle" is more lawful and orderly than "civilized society."

 

Humans are strange creatures...being able to trap themselves as they do, in the belief that lies are truth and the truth is a lie.  I'm not interested in perpetuating that.

 

I doubt I can do much in the community outside this little space of mine; trying to be part of it, paradoxically enough, will just make me feel alienated.  I'd like to not turn tail again.

 

But anyway, enough heavy, philosophical, existential stuff for now--I've been somewhat busy since I was here last:

 

 

 

 

[Candy]

Henlo! I don't think we know each other but I did a read (actually still reading while typing this cause I cannot concentrate long enough to read the whole thing first oops) and so Idk if you wanted this but I'll do a lil react~

 

13 hours ago, Sylvaret said:

trying to strive for the pipe dream called "perfection."

Hits home, given I spent ~10 years seeking perfection, but could never attain it and even if I did, there was no point in it in the end lol

 

13 hours ago, Sylvaret said:

So, in the end, looking at other people is really me just looking at myself--and I don't really like what I see.

This is pretty much how I think. People might say "they are bad because [this and this]" but they don't realize that we are all prone to make the same mistakes. Humanity ain't complex- we all strive for the common goal that is happiness. Everyone does everything with an incentive in mind.

 

13 hours ago, Sylvaret said:

I didn't want to perpetuate that sort of weakness.

Call me crazy but I feel like "weakness" in itself isn't something to be ashamed of. I think there are a lot of weak people that try to appear strong because that's what society expects of everyone. I'm also a product of those societal expectations- the reason I can't show emotions well is because when I was a teenager, I didn't want people to know where my weaknesses lay. I didn't want to get hurt, which is a natural, human response, but now that no such threats loom around me, it's made me look like a coldass robot irl  I no longer care about looking weak, so I have zero filter when talking about my (comparatively speaking smol) struggles.

 

13 hours ago, Sylvaret said:

people who live by their own rules and values, instead of social standards and human laws, are dangerous and do not belong in the world

The reason this is widely believed is because "peace" can't exist among a population that doesn't adhere to any social standard or laws. If one's own values are "to be helpful to everyone" then it's compatible with society. If one's own values are "kill every person who hurts me" then there cannot be peace. That's an exaggerated example, but what I wanted to show was that the types of values individuals can hold are very variable. Nature for every animal, including humans, is to be wary of things that are not similar to the self. It's not surprising that they wouldn't accept different values, at least not at the get-go. Even wars have been waged because of this.

One thing to note is that social norms can and have morphed over time. At one point it was social norm to wear knee high socks and puffy bottoms. At another point it was social norm for women not to have voices. Social norms also vary from region to region. Point is, your values may not match with those with whom you live, but they might match with others in other places. Moreover, your values may one day become the social norm.

 

13 hours ago, Sylvaret said:

I will continue to judge humanity against the rest of the world, putting humans on equal ground to every other living thing on the planet, instead of putting them above everything else.

I'm a scientist, so I'm very aware of the similarity of humans to any other species. For that reason, I'm not sure what you mean by turning to the jungle for guidance. I can't speak for every animal, but I know mice quite well. Mice (and I'm assuming many animals that are on our evolutionary line) don't have any restraint. Many of the "ugly" parts of humanity are the animalistic instincts we haven't fully controlled (I'll list some examples below but in spoilers cause some might be triggering/borderline rule-breaking? but I swear I am not writing it to be inappropriate, just facts from being a mouse researcher).

Spoiler

• Rape: If you put a male mouse and a female mouse in a cage, the male mouse will start licking the female's "bits" regardless of her consent. Most of the time, she will run away, actually, until he finally manages to mate with her.
• Violence: If you put two adult males in the same cage, they'll most likely hurt each other. If you put a lot of males (that aren't siblings) together in the cage, they'll bully at least one of them very violently (you have to separate them out, but I'm sure he'd end up killed otherwise).
• Incest: You can put a "daughter" mouse with her dad or a "son" mouse with his mom and mate them.

Because I understand mice so well, I see humans reflected in them. If anything, I wish humans didn't just think they stand above the rest of animals, but actually stood above them.

 

13 hours ago, Sylvaret said:

I will continue being myself, no matter what anyone thinks, because I believe that's the best contribution I can give not just to "humanity," but the world as a whole.

That's a good, healthy mentality, in general. If you're not hurting anybody, there's no reason not to be oneself. You're not a unique human being, so I'm sure even if you feel isolated in your bubble of people, there are others that share the same values as you. The internet is a great invention that allows people with mutual values and interests to connect despite the distance.

 

Also, I wished I could see the pictures you linked but they seem to be broken :/

[Sylvaret]

Eh...wasn't really expecting any sort of response from anyone.

 

The things you're talking about both make sense to me and are totally foreign.  I think it's mostly because I'm struggling with an identity crises of sorts, due to all the developmental trauma.  I don't feel "human" at all, at least not in the way humans are now (for the most part).  Honestly, I'm closer to a feral animal than a civilized human being...whatever that even means.

 

Out in the jungle, there are no written rules, and the priorities of living things are different, too.  From my perspective, humans have separated themselves from the rest of the world, by splitting the world into two very off-balanced halves.  There's a small glass-dome world humans call "civilization," and everything that exists outside that realm, which humans call "the jungle."  If you're a scientist, maybe you've seen how disconnected humans have grown from "the jungle," and how that reflects in pretty much everything they do.  It also manifests in the state of human existence; the laws of human society, for example, don't really leave any room for nature and the world outside civilization.  It's as if the walls of "civilization" give the illusion that nothing exists outside of it--like humans have caged themselves into their own world.

 

I really don't know how to explain it in a way that can be understood.  The best I can do is to say, "leave civilization for a while, connect with the outside world, and experience with your whole being how the rest of the world works."

 

Humans seen unable to learn from the world around them, as I said.  And, if you're suggesting that human laws have their roots in the laws of nature, I can agree with that--I've seen many parallels and it's left me wondering why most of humanity can't see them as well.  It seems like you've made some connections, too.

 

Honestly, I've been trying to find a way back to my own kind, but it's not working at all.  But the things you've said about human nature, like animalistic instincts, reinforce something I've started to realize recently: that I will never be able to connect with humans, no matter what I try.  It's likely I'll never be able to trust humans, or be comfortable with humans, or feel any sense of belonging in any community, culture, or society humans create.  It's not about being "unique" or not--individualism is present in all species.  My issue is that, due to a lifetime of extreme trauma, the course of my development was drastically and irreversibly altered.  It's not something that can be fixed or healed; this is literally who I am now.  I'm aware that human development and psychology aren't your background, and I'm also aware that I can't speak for anyone but myself.  But as difficult as it may be for your to believe, and as much as I wish it weren't the case, I won't be able to integrate into any society or culture, no matter what part of the world I'm in or how far the members of those societies and cultures try to make me feel welcome.

 

That's why I want to create my own place, and to be my own "nation."  It'll mean defying all the conventions humans consider normal or standards, and I wouldn't be surprised if it means putting my life on the life, but that's just how it is for me.  I've tried many times and in many different ways to circumvent that--to actually try to fit into a human community.

 

But again, it's impossible.

 

7 hours ago, Candy said:

The reason this is widely believed is because "peace" can't exist among a population that doesn't adhere to any social standard or laws. If one's own values are "to be helpful to everyone" then it's compatible with society. If one's own values are "kill every person who hurts me" then there cannot be peace. That's an exaggerated example, but what I wanted to show was that the types of values individuals can hold are very variable. Nature for every animal, including humans, is to be wary of things that are not similar to the self. It's not surprising that they wouldn't accept different values, at least not at the get-go. Even wars have been waged because of this.

One thing to note is that social norms can and have morphed over time. At one point it was social norm to wear knee high socks and puffy bottoms. At another point it was social norm for women not to have voices. Social norms also vary from region to region. Point is, your values may not match with those with whom you live, but they might match with others in other places. Moreover, your values may one day become the social norm.

 

I think you're speaking within the confines of "civilization," while I'm speaking from outside that realm--and I've already seen how this works in nature, too.  There's really no difference in the end; humans at their core aren't any different from the animals they tend to view as "lesser" than themselves.  Likewise, things can happen in the wild to compel an individual of a species to break away from their own kind and do things differently, just like me.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that humans for whatever reason believe they exist above or separate from nature, even though they don't.  They've somehow gotten the idea that they, and only they, can bring that "peace" to the world.  Humans believe they are the only ones who can follow rules for the sake of order.  The truth about the world is that there's only one whole world, not two, and from what I've seen, it's because humans keep trying to separate themselves from the world that they continue to repeat their mistakes; if humans see nothing beyond their own civilization, how can they expect to make the lasting, meaningful changes they as a species desperately need now?  If humans continue to stand above the rest of the world as you're suggesting they should, or even continue to think they're above the world, how do they expect to learn from it?  By separating themselves from the real world, where civilization and "the jungle" are meant to coexist in harmony, and instead attempting to live "above" it, humans have created circumstances in which both their own civilization, as well as the rest of the planet, have suffered.  Maybe things are meant to be this way on some other, distant worlds, but not here on Earth.

 

Maybe it's just because I'm an outside looking in, but the way humans live is unsustainable.  The different between our perspectives is that you've studied mice in a controlled environment as per the scientific method; on the other hand, I've studied humans in the habitat they've created for themselves, as well as animals in the wild, outside the purview of the scientific method.  I assume from my own experience that you would disregard my approach simply because it's "unscientific."  Whether or not that's actually the case, this really just highlights that I don't live in the same "world" as you do.

 

That's why "humanity" doesn't make sense to me.  That's why being around other humans is so alienating for me, and why the rest of you are like some alien race to me.  It's why your civilization and societies are totally foreign to me, and why I can't really connect with the rest of you at all.  Unfortunately, I don't think there's any way to bridge that rift, because humans have already chosen their path, and I my own.

 

As per the laws of nature, trying to force one another to conform or assimilate to the other will only cause problems for both.  So I'm just striving for peaceful, mutual coexistence.

 

That said, I don't really know what you mean by "peace."  It sounds like you're aware that absolute pacifism with no conflict whatsoever is impossible--and unnatural.  So I'm guessing we can agree that "peace" means being able to disagree and butt heads on occasion, but still being able to live, learn, and walk together in the end.  For humans, this would mean polling individual strengths while compensating each other's weaknesses.  And you're right, "weakness" in itself isn't anything to be ashamed of--but forcing people to hide themselves, or trying to teach them to put on a facade, is shameful in my eyes.  I've seen this manifested in human laws and social norms as well, and I can't abide by those falsities.  In fact, I absolutely refuse to.

 

The "peace" humans are seeking would require them to embrace their own innate imperfection on an individual level, with an understanding that many of their answers can be found in other individuals.  By balancing individualism with collectivism, humans as an entire species will be able to advance--that is to say, not advancing their cultures, societies, technology, and so on, but themselves.  If humans can do this, their societies and civilization will follow.  Since this is also how it works in the natural world, this will also allow humans to adapt more readily and easily to climate change and the various circumstances that arise from it.

 

If there were any way for humans to show just how capable they are as a species, this would be it.  As strange as it may sound, humans could stand above the world as you've suggested, by standing on it, alongside everyone else, and coexisting in such a way that all living things can grow and benefit, not just humans.

 

This is what I learned from the jungle.  I've been trying to build bridges with other humans, but the disparity between myself and "humanity" is so profound that I've been unable to.  I know some people think I should seek therapy or psychiatry, but the hard truth is that there's no way to turn back time and re-write the events of my past.  And, actually, I already know there are human cultures in the world that are far closer to my own way of living than the United States ever has been--like the Indigenous peoples of the world, and their nations and cultures.  But I can never be one of them.  I've also connected a lot with Japan and its culture, but I can never be part of their society, either.  I would have this issue no matter where in the world I went.  It's out of that awareness that I decided that creating my own place in the world is what I need to do--and from there, to build bridges with everyone else.  But, I won't be able to adhere to human conventions to accomplish this, so I've been looking to nature and the planet for guidance.

 

Even more than just "being human," the one thing humans and non-humans alike share is that they call this planet home and are subject to nature's whims.  Despite me going on and on about it, there is in fact no complex scientific theory involved, no religious teaching of any kind, and no deep, philosophical perspective--it's as simple as looking around at the world around you.  It's such a simple truth, in fact, that most humans can no longer see it.

 

Humans are strange creatures...that's all I can really say at this point.  But since the rest of you would view me the same way, I like to think that just walking together and complementing one another is the best thing we can do for one another.

 

I don't know if I can do that after everything that's happened, and at this point I don't think it's possible...but if there is a "right person" I need to meet, then maybe I just need time.

 

7 hours ago, Candy said:

Also, I wished I could see the pictures you linked but they seem to be broken :/

 

Honestly, I can't seem to post any working links or images here.  Maybe I could send them to you via PM, or Discord if you have that.

 

And, uh...I apologize for being so self-centered.  It's not out of ego or entitlement, but because I honestly don't feel I can trust humans at all or count on humanity for anything...but I'm at least aware that you just want to talk, and that others have only wanted to try and help.  I can't be around humans without carrying a sword with my hand on the hilt, so to speak, but maybe one day I'll finally be at ease with humanity.

Edited December 3, 2020 by Sylvaret

[Sylvaret]

...Well, if I can't post working links/images, I guess there's no point in me being here at all.  Oh, well~

[Promethe]

I'll be honest and tell you what my grandma once told me: you think too much, and it's going to make you miserable. And it's pissing me off, because I have the same tendency. I used to think like that.

 

Life's about adapting. It won't bend to ideals, or dreams. Blind optimism will crush you, but petty pessimism will drown you. Walk the middleground. Find the courage to take and actually go through the best options given to you, because it's always about making do with what you're given in order to keep a good conscience. People can't give you what they don't have. But you can carve your will, your choices in small gestures and pray to whatever god you probably don't worship to acquire the wisdom to know the difference and make peace with what you can't change. 

 

It's no wonder you can't bridge others. You can't connect with people halfway, because you draw a clean "them" vs. "me" narrative. You isolate yourself. You, ironically, like so many others, discard the label of "human" when its convienient. It's not a road I'd like to walk.