" The Reborn Region : My path to redemption "

[Athrun]

Hi everyone. You know with the lockdown in France and everything, I have some time and I was thinking " Hey Maybe I can put in history my experience in Reborn ? "
So here it is, my frist chapter. Of course, I try to put something new to the story already told by the game and i hope you'll enjoy it. Feel free to tell mewhat you think even if it's really bad. And if i made some mistakes pls tell me too ! I'll try to correct theses !

Chapter 1 : Coldness

 

« Listen Athrun, you may be tough but trust me you’ll discover that there is always someone better than you. Don’t forget it and be safe »

Hum, how cliché … That was the last words my mom told me before I jump on this train for The Reborn Region.
People may think that being confident is the same thing as being arrogant: Wrong.
Being confident is knowing your worth and your abilities and trust me when I say that I have nothing to prove to anyone.
Friendship ? Fun ? Don’t make me laugh I’am not into that and I don’t need it.
All I need is to keep moving, to keep becoming stronger and one day rise as the greatest trainer that has ever lived on this planet. Red ? Gold ? Cynthia ? That’s history and I’am the future but yeah I guess they were not bad …
The name’s Athrun, coming right from Hoenn. A region where there is too much water. Nothing more to say about it. I took the entire league by myself and fought against a weirdo water guy who wanted to show his art instead of battling seriously to takeover my place as the Hoenn League champion.. How pathetic , how easy it was.
So after that, a man known as Steven told me about this region which has lost his beauty but has several good gym leaders. They are searching for skilled trainers to take on the reborn challenge.
Guess my goal is decided.

By the way, do I sound rude to you ? Impolite ? Insolent ? Haha judging a book by his cover is something everyone does without notice it. You , me , EVERYONE. It’s okay I don’t mind because I accept the reality that we live on. And I know I sound like a freaking emo guy but hey I just say what I think and I think that everyone has two sides. Not a good or bad one, but a true and a hypocrite one.
But let’s get back to my story. After all, there’s a lot to say.
 

 

God this travel is so long, will this train ever stop one day ?
I can’t stand doing nothing for hours and when I hear these silly trainers laugh about trying to take on the reborn challenge just to make some memories I’am about to explo… Wait?! Was that an absol? I thought that they were only seen in my region? It is said that Absol is the incarnation of disasters. Tsss non-sense.
But damn, why is this train so cold when we travel a freaking desert…

 

 "Sir… Sir, are you alright?"

 

My heart skipped a beat, when was the last time I was suprised that easily? Standing before me, a young lady with a bright smile was waiting for me to come back to reality.

 

« I am sorry. Was lost in my thoughts. Did you need me for something?»
« Not really, you were all alone and you seemed worried. Is this about the Reborn Challenge? Need me to maybe give you some tips»
«Tsss, who do you think you are talking to, do I look like a trainer with some confidence issues. You better stay with those trainers in the back, you seem to be the one that wants to make fun memories with a lot of friends»

 

And agaiiiiiiiiin, I spoke too soon, too hard, too frankly, when will I learn to stay calm when someone doubt my abilities… AND MY GOD THIS COLD IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW !

This day really can’t be worse.
Nevertheless, she seemed to be quite amused by my reaction. Who is she?

«My name is Ame. I’am the manager of the Reborn League.»

 

 

WAY TO GO ATHRUN!
Your journey hasn’t started yet and you're in for troubles with the manager of the league.
NOW, I’am sure this day can’t be worse but again she seemed to be totally unaffected by my answer, good thing.
She then told me a little bit about the history of the region and ensured me about the difficulty of the challenge that is waiting for me!
I would be really hyped about it if I was not diying from coldness. What is this feeling? Something feels just not right, I must be tired from the travel.

Ame noticed it maybe that was why she was kind to me.

 

«To answer to your question, i’am not worried, but why it is so cold here? I mean we are in the middle of a desert and it dosn’t feel like it?»

 

This time she looked to me with surprise in her eyes.

«Cold? Look around you, everyone is trying to search for fresh air, they are all sweating, aren’t you sick or something?»

 

No. I am Not. It dosn’t feel like I’am sick, this sensation, this tension, I already felt it… Where? When?

 

Ame talked to me but I was too busy trying to use my useless brain to find an answer to my questions.

« You are just tired I guess, the weather here isn’t the same as Hoenn, your body need to adapt maybe? Don’t worry, we are almost there, in fact … The train should have already entered his deceleration»

 

I’am close, I’am close, I’am so close, I know when I felt that coldness and that sensation, the sensation of being watched by something particular … It was … Before and during my battle with Phoebe in Hoenn !

 

That was the last thing my mind remembered from this train before Ame jumped on me. Before all fade to black. Before all the coldness slowly turned into a welcome warmth.

 

"As I said .... this day .... can't .... be wor........"

 

 

 

That's it for the first chapter which is more a prologue. Thanks you if you read it ! Cya :)

Edited April 12, 2021 by Athrun

[Aphelli]

Fellow Frenchman here. Welcome and good luck for this challenge of yours, because you're certainly getting into one!

 

I'm not speaking about the game, of course (it is one, but I guess you already played through it), but about the writing. After all, it's plain as day in your chapter: "there's a lot to say". You know that the lockdown is "only" going to last a few more weeks, right? (I think I lost track, isn't it supposed to be three now?)

 

I think I was going to complain about your choice of font, it was pretty hard to read on my phone (especially the parts in full caps) but surprisingly, it's completely fine on my computer. 

 

Funny how all OCs get very quickly a very different feeling first person. So yours is a born fighter who wants to be the very best. He comes there, not as a more or less official envoy to the region, not as a fugitive, not for the journey, the unmotivated challenge or the friends made along the way, but as a stepping stone to becoming the best. I wonder how he's going to react to, well, everything. Who knows? Perhaps he will find himself missing Hoenn and its beautifully quiet waters. 

 

He does sound a little bit arrogant -- flaunting what he thinks is his stellar, unrivaled skill -- and impolite -- dismissing his past opponents and the other would-be challengers. But maybe I am still judging him by his cover (though there's the question of his "path to redemption" - from what?). Speaking of cover, I think it would be a good idea to describe a little bit what your character looks like: age? height? skin? hair? 

 

You invited readers to point out mistakes, so here are those I noted:

 

Spoiler

It's "I am", no apostrophe, and capital letters to "I", cass's professionalism notwithstanding. 

cliché/clichéd

prove

future

You're in

Totally

Surprised

The train should already have entered its deceleration (though I do wonder why Ame doesn't say "slowing down" instead of "decelerating" in-game)

It doesn't feel like it (and, given the tenses in the previous sentence, perhaps that part should be in the past tense too, but I don't know English rules about tenses well enough to not say something wrong)

I spoke too soon, too harsh, too frankly.

When someone doubts my abilities (maybe it should be "when would I learn to stay calm when someone doubted my abilities", because tenses, but again I don't know the actual rule and I may just be copying French).

If I was not dying  from coldness > If I wasn't freezing to death

Pay attention to your punctuation, eg add a comma to "Ame noticed it maybe that was why she was so kind to me".

The last one is more subjective, and your mileage may obviously vary, but why does Ame address your character as "sir"? Her self-insert has an important administrative position, is probably 25-ish, so either you're much older or she's too shy for her job.  

 

[Athrun]

Thanks you for all the advices you gave me ! My god all theses mistakes i've made, shame on me !

 

Yeah my OC is cocky, arrogant but not necesseraly mean. You'll see by yourself :) For the description to be honest i was wondering if it was something important to do, guess i have my answer ! Thanks you very much !

 

The " sir " thing for me match the professionalism of Ame. Like she dosn't care who she has in front of her , boy or girl or no-binary she'll treat eveyrone with the same respect !

Edited April 12, 2021 by Athrun

[Aphelli]

On 4/12/2021 at 9:12 PM, Athrun said:

Thanks you for all the advices you gave me ! My god all theses mistakes i've made, shame on me !

 

We all make these, don't worry! I still shudder at some of the mistakes I've written (and not edited, shame on me!) a year and a half ago. 

(speaking of which: advice is always singular, because it's uncountable. The English for un conseil is "a piece of advice". Merci pour tous ces conseils would perhaps be better translated as thank you for the advice. I'd appreciate for a native speaker to correct me.)

 

On 4/12/2021 at 9:12 PM, Athrun said:

Yeah my OC is cocky, arrogant but not necesseraly mean. You'll see by yourself :) For the description to be honest i was wondering if it was something important to do, guess i have my answer ! Thanks you very much !

 

I guess I will :)

Yes, it's easy to lose track of that in first person. But I think it's important (though of course, that's far easier to spot when reading someone else's work) to get an accurate representation of the character and the situation. Looks matter, always! If nothing else, because the other characters will react to looks. 

 

On 4/12/2021 at 9:12 PM, Athrun said:

The " sir " thing for me match the professionalism of Ame. Like she dosn't care who she has in front of her , boy or girl or no-binary she'll treat eveyrone with the same respect !

 

I think I understand your point. I guess that we don't give the word "respect" the same meaning (which is somewhat funny but completely fine). Your story, your choices! :)