Reflections on Reborn

[Sylvaret]

...Since I couldn't think of a clear, succinct title, ha.

 

Anyway...I just beat the main story, started post-game.  But this post, as long as it's going to be, is more to say thanks for the experience.  But, first off, I'm just gonna say, I'm not good with people, period.  Online of offline, it doesn't matter; I've tried many times and in many different ways to change this, but it's been to no avail.  That said, I won't be replying or coming back to this post at all...just want to say what I have to say.  I've been lurking here since I started playing Reborn in like...2016-17, I think?  I still remember one Ep. having broken weather...fond memories for everyone, I bet.  It was hard for me to get into the game, but I think that was just because I'd rather wait for a finished product--a wait that was totally worth it, though maybe for reasons that are a bit different from most.

 

So...truth is, I'm a trauma survivor.  There's really no way I can talk about any of the details without causing an issue even with up-front trigger warnings, so...I won't.  I will say that, even though I might not give the impression, I was born into traumatic circumstances, and that was my norm for the first 25 years of my life.  And, when I say trauma, I'm talking about things most people would not survive, and my development was drastically and irreversibly affected as a result--something I only came to realize within the past year or so after working through it for the past 8 or so.

 

...Things like family, friendship, love and human connections in general; trust, support, safety and comfort--all of these things, I've never really known.  They weren't part of my development; instead, I learned the dark, ugly side of humanity, and I "learned" it through my entire being. Many times I asked for help, but was ignored or silenced at best and outright exploited by people in positions of trust or authority at worse--doctors, law enforcement, school officials and even some family members....nobody was ever there.  Nobody stepped in to protect me when I was too young to do it myself, and in fact, nobody even stopped to question my outbursts, instability, and "problematic" behavior or consider that something might be seriously wrong.  Among other things, I've realized that a good part of this was simply due to me being male--a "troublesome little boy," and not and "innocent little girl."  Gender stereotypes were--and still are--a big reason I decided it wasn't worth trying to turn to anyone for help, and part of my past trauma (read: psychiatric malpractice) is the reason I won't seek "help" from therapists.

 

But I think the most grievous outcome from all this is that I actually lost who I was and would've been.  That person was killed long ago, and in a sense, I've died once already.  I've had to literally re-create myself as an individual, both by drawing from the world around me and salvaging the scattered pieces of...whoever I might've been.

 

Most people can't comprehend this, and many don't believe it's even possible.  I've learned this the hard way.

 

As for the reason I was able to do this?  Honestly, because nature stepped in and intervened.  Harshly.  Not so different from mother giving her child a spanking for doing something stupid (in my case, overconfidence when camping out in the woods along about 7 years ago).  Before then, I didn't have anything--no foundation, no guidance, no direction...nothing, save for the trauma I'd endured my whole life.  So Mother Nature's spanking basically gave me a second chance at life, and at this point I'd sooner turn to the natural world and "the jungle" than humans and civilization..  It's just where I come from, and how things played out--and it's better than being dead.  The downside is that simply being around humans brings me feelings of displacement and alienation--like humans, as they exist now, are some alien species, living in a completely different world from me despite treading the same Earth.  Aside from all the mistrust and misanthropic sentiments I'm still grappling with, I'm just not able to connect with people in general.  The only exceptions are those who see past all the status quos, laws, pre-ordained paths, and other "human things"--those who are actually able to see the world around them, beyond the scope of "civilization."

 

Not sure how else to explain that, and honestly it's probably best I don't don't even bother trying. tl;dr, trauma changes things completely, especially when it's an individual's "normal."  I'm still trying to find a reason to even believe in humanity, stubborn as I am.  I mean, I didn't face down my hellish past and everything else to surrender to them, after all...but even if I eventually learn to be comfortable with humans, I have many wounds that will never heal.  This is not something that can be changed or fixed, and there is no therapy--or anything, whatsoever--that can bring back my stolen time and development, nor the person I might've been.

 

----

 

All this said, Reborn is full of characters I can relate to on a very personal level, and far from the dark, mature content being a trigger, I felt validated.  Obviously not gonna say who or what to avoid spoilers, but Ame, it's pretty clear you had trauma-informed people in your dev team--not just about trauma itself, but also the process of facing it head-on and overcoming it, how it's different for each person in terms of experience and aftermath, and the fact that even with help and support from friends and allies, it doesn't "go away."  Ever.  I guess the only difference for me is that I've had to do all of this alone, for the reasons I mentioned before.  I'm sure you can imagine what kind of strength that takes--it's the same strength that makes it easy for me to talk about it like this.

 

So, again...thanks.  For real.

 

I appreciate what you've given to the world--and I appreciate that it was for everyone and not for me, because trauma, self-improvement, and internal struggles that nobody else can really see are things everyone needs to hear about.  Like, for example, here in the US, these things are still highly stigmatized and too many people want to just run from them or sweep them under the rug.  Contrary to all the self-aggrandization and machismo talk about America being a "strong, great nation," it's very much a place where too many people avoid actually addressing the myriad issues in society that lead to these things in the first place.  In my eyes, it's a show of profound weakness--weakness that will only perpetuate these cycles of abuse, trauma, and suffering.  But if simply talking or speaking out isn't enough to spark change, perhaps a more creative approach is needed.  I doubt I need to say anything about how popular games are, haha.

 

As for myself, I'll be okay.  It took me a while, but I did figure out what I need to do to actually move forward.  I'll be moving to Japan and starting anew there and will be living their starting next April.  I'll be studying Japanese, then game design, and working to fit plenty of volunteer work into my schedule (again, my values are very different from most).  I'm not happy that I'm stuck with disability income from the US, but it's also a good incentive to give it my all.  Eventually I hope to get off of that and start up a creative social enterprise--a different sort of company, for those who aren't aware.  I'm here to turn my own harrowing past into something positive for all--poison into medicine.  The world kinda needs it now, doesn't it?

 

I've already had some people try to discourage me from this, of course...but something tells me those people have no clue what true adversity and hardship are.  Some of us have had the bar set sky-high--or higher, even.

 

Reborn was full of important reminders, and it was pretty nice to have them come from an outside perspective.  I'd say it was a game I genuinely needed to play through.