Closure

[Sylvaret]

I know this is totally out of the blue, but this is the last post I'll make here. Not that I was never really active here to begin with, so I doubt this will mean anything to anyone else here—it's something I'm doing solely for myself and my own closure.

 

I want to start by saying that I've played through Reborn and most of its post-game, and recently started a new game to go for the Anna Smiles route this time (first time was Bad Z-Regular). I've also played through Desolation Ep.6, and I'm waiting till Rejuv v13.5 releases to finally dive into that as well. Since I'm a stickler for at least trying to keep posts/comments/writings/etc. relevant, that's really the main reason I feel compelled to make this post. It's also because there was at least one person from this community who legitimately tried to be friends with me, so I feel like they're owed the truth--not to mention my simply being here kind of mandates an explanation, too.

 

Again, this is me following my own principles—nothing more, nothing less.

 

--

 

Anyway...I've struggled with this community and its members ever since I joined like 3-4 years ago (honestly don't remember exactly when). It's not because of anything anyone here has said or done; honestly, I've kept people at a distance whenever possible even though some did try to reach me and make me feel welcome.  Playing the Rebornverse games kinda makes this easier to explain, I think.

 

A lot of the plot points and characters—their development and overall identities, and they individual struggles—have hit home for me, as someone who was born into severe trauma and never really learned about friendship, family, trust and support, or human connections. It also means I've never really known peace, comfort, or stability; likewise, I cannot “recover” from any of this because recovery and healing imply a state of wellness prior to trauma disrupting it. Bit hard to “recover” back to a state one has never actually experienced to begin with, you know? Without spoiling, Reborn's main antagonist is also someone who never knew “wellness.” Unfortunately, they came into power most could only ever dream of, and used that to basically pass on their own pain to the rest of the world.

 

This is something I've fought to avoid, from the moment I was able to finally start living about 10 years ago. That was when I finally had an actual say in my circumstances, and the agency to do something about them. For some perspective, that was when I was 25. And 25 years is a long, long time to be trapped in a prison of abuse, suffering, exploitation, and the dark, ugly side of humanity.

 

Reborn's antag, along with some of the main and supporting antagonists in Desolation, have been pretty validating to encounter. It's certainly not because I've followed the same path as them (not even a certain faction leader in Deso, who envisioned a world without strife), but because they stand at the end of paths I chose not to follow. The truth about each of these characters, their visions for their respective worlds, and the paths they choose to realize those visions, is that each of them effectively robbed everyone else of their own agency; their capacity to live their own lives and make their own contributions to the world at large, for better or worse.

 

It is the same thing I suffered, too. In my case, I literally lost who I was and would've been—had my identity and individuality destroyed before I even had a chance to live. This came at the hands of people in positions of authority and trust—family members, doctors, school admins, law enforcement...people who were charged by duty with protecting very young children, yet instead used that to control my development in order to “mold” me into someone suitable for society. And, in fairness, I had a lot of serious issues as a child, mainly pertaining to emotional stability. I had many behavioral issues that often led to me to lash out pretty violently, so it's hard to blame anyone else for seeing me as a danger...but in retrospect, I'm all but certain this was due to things that affected me before I could remember anything. It didn't help that not a single person ever stopped to truly question why I was acting like I was, or consider that something might be seriously wrong—that I needed help. So...instead of being help, what I got was more abuse and suffering. I even recall times when I was punished for actively seeking help or protection—treated like nothing more than a “problem,” or that I was seeking attention, or not trying hard enough, and other such harmful nonsense. It would've been easy for me to go down a dark path as well. Had things played out even a tiny bit differently, I most likely would have—or I'd simply be dead.  I'm only alive now, with my mind intact (so far as I can tell, anyway) because Nature stepped in and intervened where humanity failed me. It was pretty much an act of “motherly discipline,” so to speak—a spanking from the original “mother” for my own overconfidence, and arrogance, when I decided to camp out in the forest alone 8 years ago. It was the sort of think that'd land most people in the hospital, or kill them outright, so...I guess I was fortunate.

 

I didn't realize it then, but I was given a second chance at life. Before then, I had nothing except the mistreatment of humans, and without that divine intervention, well...it's a bit unsettling to think of who I might've been. Probably no different from the Rebornverse antagonists, or one of those assholes in real life who use power, fame, and money to control everyone and everything around them.

 

As much as I've screwed up, I've never wanted to be like those people. Better to help put an end to the cycle of suffering and abuse, right?

 

...But recently, I've come to realize that, because of my own developmental circumstances, I'm not really compatible with humans and their civilization as they are now. I come from what people call “the jungle,” a place that far too many think is lawless and chaotic, where everyone is only out for themselves—and I mean...yes, it's harsh, and brutal. But the lawlessness and chaos, and rampant selfishness? Those things are terribly pervasive and human civilization now, so I'm...having trouble comprehending the whole "lawless jungle" mentality.  Societies everywhere reflect this, and rather than being “human nature,” I've noticed it's born from humans just...not living in the same world as everyone else. It's like a glass-dome existence, with most of humanity unable to learn from nature or the world around them, despite events that are all around them and literally in their faces each and every day.  And, even though those events--natural disasters and such--are growing more frequent and severe, and more costly to humans and their civilization (and human lives), for whatever reason a lot of you guys just...aren't getting it.

 

I cannot live in that sort of world.  It's totally foreign to me, and the more I learn about and try to understand it, the less it makes sense to me--and the clearer it becomes that I'm never going to have a place there.

 

It's taken me a while to figure out why I have trouble in every community I've tried being part of—this one included, needless to say. I've never really been comfortable around humans in any given circumstance, and for a while I thought it was indeed due to PTSD and my past experience. Even when members of any group tried to include me or make me feel welcome, I grappled with what's essentially a dysphoria (not gender dysphoria, mind you, but something that's probably very similar); likewise, while walking around in human cities or towns, I've just felt...alienated and displaced. There's always been this lingering dissonance, and no matter how hard I tried to integrate or contribute, or what angle I tried to approach from, I never could settle it.  It's true that PTSD, or Complex PTSD, might be part of it, but it's also because of where I come from—how I had to take me development into my own hands and recreate myself and my identity, with nature and the wild as my proving ground, instead of humans and their civilization. So, put simply...I don't live in the same world as the rest of you. If anything I've been thrown back to a time when humans were hunter-gatherers, and just starting to develop the first concepts of “civilization,” I suppose. Before humans formed distinct cultures and nations, systems of faith and philosophy, and so on...that's where I am now.  I'm pretty feral, you might say.

 

Needless to say, there's no way any existing society or culture could possibly accommodate me. In fact, I've already had people tell me straight-up that what happened to me is impossible—conveniently forgetting that, sometimes, reality is stranger than fiction.

 

I had that happened here in Reborn's community, too. But it's hard to be upset at anyone, because it's not like anyone can really do anything to help. Therapy and other such procures can do nothing, either—in the context of current medical science and general understanding of wellness and recovery, a “treatment” for me would entail going back in time to rewrite the events of my past, so that I'd have an actual state of wellness to “recover” back to—and so that my development wouldn't be violated as drastically and irreversibly as it has been.

 

Yeah, I don't think I need to explain why that's never going to happen. It's why I've had to deep-dive into myself and my past to just...figure out what the hell happened to me and what I have to do going forward.

 

Having said all of this, it's been really helpful to experience the Rebornverse games—the struggles of the many different characters involved, and the antagonists in particular. Seeing the choices these villains have made, and their reasoning, has helped me temper myself and my own perspective—and to never allow the dark side of human nature to take hold. And, of course, it helps that these characters, both good and evil, are actually well-written and soundly developed.

 

So, thanks.

 

I too am a writer; my forte, in case it isn't obvious, is autobiography. Putting the story of my life down in writing has helped me see the events of my past more clearly—and notice the “blanks” in the canvas of my journey. Since I've never had any real support from others, and humans in general just don't acknowledge who I actually am, I've had to do all of this alone.  Reading my own CV, as well as the writing in all these Rebornverse game, also helped me to realize that, in order to contribute to humanity, I'd have to create my own place—to forgo things like citizenship and all the protections that come with it, in favor of creating systems that works specifically for me. Because, despite what many people say—things like “you need to work within society” and “if you don't like how things are, then go into law to change them”--these are all the wrong paths for someone like me. I cannot simply go in and mess with the world you guys live in, as it would endanger countless people.

 

..But honestly? Maybe this is exactly what humanity needs now. Maybe humans need a maverick, an outsider, to show them that this world—the real world, as it were—is one of infinite possibilities, and that "death and taxes" aren't the only certainties in life.. Maybe humanity needs a stray to show them what it means to coexist in harmony; how this entails pooling individual strengths while compensating each other's weaknesses.  I mean, I know I'm not the only one who can say that the status quo and “how the world works” isn't actually working. As an outsider, I've already seen how “law” is something that, in its current form, can be manipulated by those in power to suit their own needs, regardless of the cost to everyone else, and even to the planet itself. I'm painfully aware of the influence of money—how it's become more important than wellness and life itself. I've seen how people are judged by their “monetary worth,” instead of their innate potential, their capacity to grow and improve, and any desire they have to use their own ability and talents for a good that is far greater than themselves.

 

I've seen how in the end, this perpetuates the same kinds of trauma, suffering, and corruption that led to me being the metaphorical baby stuffed into a sack and abandoned in the jungle like some unwanted abomination.

 

All of it, in my eyes, is wrong. It's unnatural, and completely divorced from the real world. And, while I appreciate the efforts made by the admins of this community, and many others, to keep a safe and healthy environment, the hard truth is that these safe spaces are microcosms of a world I can never truly be a part of. It is legitimately impossible, and there is nothing any of you can do to change that (believe me, I've tried countless times on my own, being as stubborn as I am).

 

So, I'm going to leave you guys in peace. I'll still follow Rejuvenation and Desolation, but Reborn is not my space and never will be—same as any other community.

 

I've already started brainstorming how to go about creating my own place and system, and how to ensure that it'll allow me to walk alongside the rest of you. If it means anything, I'm also thinking about how to not simply allow, but also encourage, the other existing nations and cultures to hold me accountable—because, y'know, to break away from established laws and standards and live by one's own require tremendous power. Real power. Power in its purest and most ultimate form: the kind that comes from within. The kind that, once realized, can never truly be taken away. The kind that is best utilized by lending it to others, that they might in turn realize their own true power.  And, well...I'm tired of talking about this. Even if it's to explain my intentions, it doesn't mean anything without action to show for it. So, I've started contacting people who, whether due to their background or positions, might have some insight about this. I don't know what will happen, or if that's the right approach, but it's better than nothing.

 

I guess to close out, I want to make use of a saying people throw around a lot, about “one's hand in life.” Most of what I hear is about being deal a “bad hand” in life, along with an incredibly small few are lucky enough to be dealt a straight royal flush (and they tend to be obnoxious in flaunting it, from what I've seen).

 

But me?

 

I was dealt a hand of faceless cards. Utterly worthless in the game of life. Even those with bad hands, like twos, threes, and fours can come together to pool their lot—and I personally could not encourage that more if I tried. But a bunch of blank cards? Yeah, those are completely unusable. One of the most important lessons Nature taught me is that I don't have to accept a worthless hand, but instead toss it out and create my own. Whether by discarding the hand of blank cards and selecting out the ones I actually want, or saying “fuck the rules” and literally drawing my own graphics on the blanks (because I'm also an artist), I learned that this is something I can do. And, I have been.  So, I figured, what reason do I have to not create a straight royal flush for myself? Even better, this “straight royal flush” will look very different from the hands held by the billionaires who never have to worry about anything because they can use money for everything (which is a delusion, of course). But creating one's hand like this also requires true power, and thus, I intend to for my own “royal flush” to be something that can help make the world a better place. I've gotten tired of seeing people struggling to make ends meet, or being oppressed simply for not being of a “favored group” or whatever.

 

–

 

Just some endnotes:

1. To the person who was talking to me on Discord...thanks for trying to be friends with me. I'm sorry to say that I'm not suitable for friendship; that requires mutual human connection—something I'm not capable of. But you were cool to talk with all the same. I hope you're doing well, wherever you are and whatever you've got going on in life now. And to everyone else...well...if you wanted to be friends with me, I apologize. You're probably better off looking elsewhere for friendship. For those wondering why I'm even saying this...there might've been a time when I could feign ignorance, or make excuses for being...odd. I like to think my reasons are extenuating, after all. But I've been dead serious about understanding myself, and I have too much self-awareness to pretend anymore. Otherwise I'm just leading people on, and...yeah. I for one have had enough of people pretending. I don't want to be part of the problem.

2. It probably seems weird that I'm posting this in the “Creativity” board, since this is technically a work of non-fiction. But since I've had people act like what happened to me is impossible, that I'm "making shit up,” or that I'm writing “something that sounds like a movie,” I figured I might as well roll with it. Besides, I like creative non-fiction, too. It's actually pretty difficult to put a creative spin on real-life events, even if they're events from your own life. That said, I'm really just here to get things off my chest. I'm not looking for actual critique or feedback, although I certainly won't stop anyone from replying with criticisms. Just know that I'm not going to pay heed to them.

3. “Discretion” is something I've grappled with a lot, as far as my personal struggles go. On one hand, yeah, I get the importance of privacy and tact—and I'm aware that some people may not enjoy reading this (assuming anyone does at all). But on the other hand...I've grown tired of keeping quiet just because of “rules” or social customs. I've been silenced for nearly my whole life, after all, and I'm beyond allowing anyone to control me like that now. What's more, I've found that it's made no difference whether I used discretion or not. My issues and...symptoms, if you will...are so profound that people would notice even if I tried to keep them to myself. This has happened both online and in person, and I've been judged more often than not.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't really. I figured, if that's how it's going to be, then I'll take the route that allows me to be honest with myself--and I'll be as "loud" as necessary to that end. I'm not here to conform to anyone's standards or rules, especially since said “rules” allowed people mistreat me for so long.  Needless to say, this means I'm not suitable for “society,” let alone communities like this one.

 

4. I know people will try to sympathize with me, and I get a lot of...advice...from people, telling me to "seek therapy," or wishes for me to recover.

 

Look...I'm not trying to be an asshole about this.  But none of that helps me at all.  It's not going to bring back my stolen time, nor repair my development.  It's not going to change the fact that there is no society or culture in existence to day that can accommodate someone like me, or that I can never truly be part of any of them.  This also goes for Indigenous nations and their people, who as far as I can tell are the closest to me in terms of their experience and how they live with the world.

 

"Support" for me would be standing with me as I work to create my own place, and then working with me to create bridges from that place.  Bear in mind that this also entails me giving up rights and protections of citizenship, along with pretty much everything the rest of you see as "normal," in order to create systems that work specifically for me.  By its very nature, this sort of endeavor would be impossible for me to accomplish alone--it's for myself, yeah, but it's also something I want to use for a greater good, too.  I cannot do that effectively if people are going to try and act like I'm doing something "forbidden," or if they turn away out of fear.  From my experience, that is exactly what humans are wont to do, and...yeah, it'd be nice to be proven wrong for once.  Real nice.

---

One last thing: it's the end of Pride month, and a lot of people are fighting an important fight in the face of all this weird anti-LGBTQ+ backlash going on worldwide.

I don't identify as LGBTQ+ myself, but want to say thanks for standing up for yourself. Likewise, I really appreciate all the representation in the Rebornverse games—it's honestly been real validating for me, personally.

Where I come from, there is no oppression, and on the other hand, no favoritism, either. Racism, homophobia and transphobia, and other forms of oppression don't exist out in the jungle. Nobody is “privileged,” either—and generally, anyone who starts trying to lord over others or be “above” them, doesn't live for very long. Oppression, I've learned, is an affront to Nature, and is genuinely unlawful. Everyone is subject equally to the same, often harsh circumstances, and to an equal extent, and it is impossible for anyone to be “above” the laws of Nature. By this design, everyone must learn to live, work, and walk together—and yeah, this often involves butting heads (sometimes literally) in order to come to an understanding. It can take a while for parties to get it right.

 

Humans, despite what many of them seem to think, are not exempt from this. At all. They've certainly tried to be, to their own detriment. By basically creating their own fantasy world to live in, they've allowed for the advent of all these forms of oppression. It's just another reason I struggle with this dissonance simply being around you all.  But this doesn't mean I'm blind. It doesn't mean I'm not seeing the efforts of people, both within and outside the LGBTQ+ community, to put an end to all this oppression—or that they're doing it at great personal risk a lot of the time. Can't help but respect that, after all I've been through.

 

Unfortunately, as much I've wanted to help with the cause, I've learned the hard way that I can't. At least, not by joining human rights movements or anything like that—again, because I don't live in the same world as you all. It's honestly a bit of knife-edge irony; I come from a place where nobody is afforded privilege of any kind, where favoritism and oppression don't exist, and this is how I approach human rights. It doesn't really mesh well with current values and perceptions around social justice, human rights, equality, and so on...so I hope that, in creating my own place in the world, and building bridges from my own “island,” I could be more helpful for human rights causes too. For me, it's not just because oppression is shit and needs to go away, it's also simply because you guys share the world with me. It's another lesson from Nature: things exist because they're meant to. That's all the reason I need to stand with LGBTQ+, BIPOC, and everyone else who isn't a straight white cis-male like me.

 

Don't ever stop fighting for your rights, and for yourselves as individuals. I know lots of foolish people act like your existence is some kind of sin, or that it's “unnatural”--but as the resident jungle boy (or something like that) I'll say now that these people, mired in their ignorance, fear, hatred, and delusions, are the unnatural ones.  This world is full of all kinds, as it should be. In my eyes, Pride, along with proper representation, is your way of celebrating that. Nature is on your side—otherwise, would any of you fab folks even be here now?

 

Thanks for celebrating the real world in the Rebornverse, as well as its community on this side of the fourth wall. It's been really nice to see, and it does make me feel a bit better about “humanity.”