applesauce.txt

[Amethyst]

so my great grand mother used to make really really good applesauce before she died, and she would freeze it, and it was basically like candy, or ice cream. i later discovered that this is because she actually put candy in it, which i was unwilling to do, but anyway, i called my grandmother and asked for the recipe so that i could try making it myself. she sent it to me along with the colander, the metal thing that you use to push apples through and make into sauce. so i've been keeping notes in a text document about my experiences with making apple sauce. I figured, if I keep notes of how it turns out each time, I can surely get better.

I've decided to share my notes with you. Bon apetit.

First attempt at home-made applesauce
5 apples
350 degrees
30 minutes
1/4 cup sugar
Apples could been softer, but more important to cut them smaller next time. Quarters is fine if they're even. Cut from top down, not side.
Ended up a orangish-brown color (brown sugar + yellow apple flesh) but not much

Trial 2!
5 applies
350 degrees
40 minutes
<1 tablespoon maple syrup
Try removing skin and seeds from apples prior to baking next time- not enough fruit is getting through. Hardly any, really
Ended up a golden-yellow

Trial 3!..
A lot of apples... Like more than 10
350 degrees
35 minutes
We cored them this time and peeled them, sliced them into eighths and baked them twice. You would think after grinding like thirteen applies without the skin you would get more fruit through the colander but you would be wrong. It still hardly covers the bottom of the pot it was drained into. We're going to try baking what's left yet again.
It's futile. fruitile, if you will. we have discovered a new chemical compound, ladies and gentlemen. I call it liquid #notworth- a mixture which transcends the understanding of the ethereal and brings into material form the basic essence of being a waste of time, energy, and especially of apples. I have been stirring the grindystick around in the colander for more than an hour now, and there are still whole slices that despite my best efforts, will not squish. there is no skin on these slices, it was peeled away before, so that we could avoid this very problem. I am quite sure that in enduring the baking and colanding process these specific slices of apple have developed a coat thicker than any bison's hide ever was. although i do not profess great physical strength to be among my best assets, all efforts to break up these bare, skinless apple slices have somehow been rendered useless. I will be petitioning to the government to consider looking into these apple slices for future military technology. while it is true that most of the slices did indeed break and squish themselves, even in defeat have they thwarted me, for so little of the liquid #notworth do they weep that it scarcely even constitutes the amount of fruit one expects from an apple. I now have a suspicion that we have been rused. There is no physical way that the amount of apples it takes to create a tin of apple sauce can be financially beneficial. I am sure that Mott's and similar companies have acquired the technology to clone matter- how else could they produce so much applesauce? I believe that, from a capitalist stand point, this is the only possible way which they could turn a profit from selling the #notworth so cheaply. These are miserable companies therefore, for if they indeed did have matter-cloning technology they are such fools to waste it on applesauce of all things instead of something that's ACTUALLY useful like gold, saffron or copies of the new PS4. Even when begotten through cloning techniques, applesauce is still #notworth! In any case, this is not about apple-armor technology, nor is it about the matter-cloning. This is about the pure and simple uselessness of attempting to force thirteen solid round objects the size of a baseball each through a metal tool with holes the size of a pencil tip. I believe that any intelligent human would quickly deduce from inspecting these two objects that the former will simply NOT fit through the latter. Alas! There are things that people can and cannot do. Apparently reaching this simple conclusion is something that we have, as a species, failed to do. I believe it will be our undoing. One day a person will decide to make applesauce, and they will think, "why, I have a full bucket of apples right here, and a colander over there... why not make applesauce?" I WILL TELL YOU WHY NOT, ignorant babe of a human child. WHY NOT, is because matter exists in only a few forms, one of which is known as 'solids' and the thing about solids is that they DO NOT CONFORM TO THEIR CONTAINER which means when you put them in a colander they WILL NOT CONFIRM. They will RESIST. They will FIGHT YOU EVERY STEP OF THE MISERABLE WAY AND YOU WILL BE GRINDING THAT STICK AGAINST THE METAL CONE FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS BEFORE YOU FINALLY REALISE WHAT YOU ARE DOING DOES NOT ONLY NOT MAKE SENSE BUT IS THE LEAST PRODUCTIVE THING IN THE WORLD THAT YOU POSSIBLE COULD DO WHEN YOU COULD JUST GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND BUY THE DAMN MATTER-CLONED APPLESAUCE. YOU WILL WAKE UP ONE MORNING HUNCHED OVER THE METAL COLANDER FRAME, FINGERS TREMBLING, SHAKING AS YOU STRUGGLE TO MAINTAIN YOUR FRAIL GRASP ON THE SLICK WOODEN STIRRING STICK, THE APPLE BITS CLINGING TO ITS HANDLE AS THEY FORCE THEMSELVES UPWARDS OUT OF THE CONE INSTEAD OF DOWN THROUGH THE HOLES LIKE YOU INTENDED AND SO FIGHT FOR THEM TO GO. YOUR EYES WILL FLUTTER OPEN GROGILLY AND YOU WILL REMEMBER. YOU ARE HERE. YOU ARE PRISONER. YOU MUST GRIND THE APPLES. YOU MUST MAKE THE APPLESAUCE. YOU MUST DO THE THING THAT IS $NOT WORTH. YOU GATHER YOURSELF AND SLOWLY RISE, CONTINUING TO STIR AS YOU WERE THE NIGHT BEFORE. YOU WILL KEEP STIRRING, AND STIRRING, AND STIRRING, AND STIRRING, AND YOU WILL TURN THE COLLANDER AND LOOK AT THE BOTTOM OF IT TO SEE JUST HOW MUCH OF THE APPLE'S FLESH HAS DROOLED THROUGH THE METAL AND YOU WILL SIGH IN DISCONTENT UPON LEARNING AT HOW LITTLE HAS MADE IT THROUGH COMPARED TO HOW MUCH IS STILL LEFT TO GO EVEN AFTER SO LONG OF GRINDING. YOU KNOW, THEN, IN THAT MOMENT, THAT YOU ARE A SLAVE. YOU ARE A SLAVE TO THE APPLESAUCE. DO YOU WISH TO BE EMANCIPATED? THEN PEEL, FRIEND, PEEL NOT THE APPLES, FOR THEY WERE CUT BARE BEFORE, BUT TAKE THE KNIFE AND PEEL THY SKIN, INCH BY INCH AWAY FROM THY OWN FLESH SO THAT THOU CANST PROCEED THROUGH THE COLANDER OF LIFE AND DEATH TO A PURER FORM. LIQUIDIATE THYSELF FROM THE CONFINES OF THY EVER-GRINDING BODY AND THUS GRIND OUT THE SEEDS OF THY SOUL SO THAT THY BLOOD MAY COLOUR THE SOUP OF THY FLESH. GRIND THYSELF, SLAVE. BECOME THE APPLESAUCE. IT IS ALL THAT THERE EVER WAS, AND ALL THAT SHALL NEVER BE.

[Absol-lutelty awesome!]

Delicious! But I got a bit spooked at the end XD

[Dark Desire]

i feel like this is some sort of hint that Ame will be adding an apple sauce puzzle to nonary

[Skeleton]

[bECOMES THE APPLE SAUCE]

[diana]

[[APPLESAUCE INTENSIFIES]]

[Pocky]

fuck you ame
it turned into apple pie