The "Talk about your feelings in your life" topic

[chuckles]

I thought it would be a good idea to have a topic here for people to really talk about their lives and what they are going through. Stress of school and work and relationships. Traumatic events. General anxiety and problems concerning anything, really. I find that when people are going through a rough patch for any reason, it helps to talk to somebody in an open environment. So, put simply, i am attempting to create such an environment. People go through things that shouldn't just be bottled up, so if you have anything, and i mean ANYTHING important and serious in your life happening, talk about it here. Let it out. We can discuss plausible solutions.

Please do not use this topic for anything especially trivial or inconsequential, such as a pokemon problem or a hangover. This is serious.

I will check this regularly in order to talk through things with people; i think this will be good for a lot of people, and this can be one broad topic, instead of many small ones relating to a single problem.

Anybody want to start?

[Melody]

To be honest? Just completely bushed...I honestly haven't had such a week to remember. I'm emotionally exhausted and I seem to keep leaving a path of destruction the more I travel down the road at Reborn. It's just really unfortunate because I've hurt so many people unintentionally and caused so much stress and I don't think I could ever gather the words to tell those people how sorry I am for doing it...

[Anthalt]

I'll start, since my issue has been weighing on me a lot recently, and I've run out of people in real life who are interested in me being upset about it (societal norms dictate I should only have feels for about a month).

Our story begins at the end of this past summer; a week before my birthday my fiance (of one year, girlfriend of 4 years) said she wanted to take some time apart. She had been very busy with work and had been feeling down ever since her parents had moved out of the province (being Canadian, moving out of the province basically means they went to another country) and this had been putting a strain on our relationship for quite a while... or so she said was the issue. To put it in perspective, we basically weren't in a relationship anymore, despite being engaged; it got to a point where she refused to acknowledge our relationship publicly because she was worried it would tarnish her career image (or so she said), and she was generally too busy to spend time with me (or so she said). So we took our break.

Fast forward a couple weeks, and she's not feeling well; she takes the day off work and asks that I'd come and bring her a few things (mostly food because she didn't feel up to go shopping). I pick up the groceries and head over to her place; this has been the first time we've hung out since she asked to take a break and I was still quite close and affectionate with her (still loving her as the person who was supposed to be my wife), but as soon as I give her a hug things change. She tells me I can't do that anymore and that she's seeing someone else. Now I had wondered for a while if she had not wanted to be dating me, and was interested in finding someone else; she had said the public display of distance was for professional reasons... and while I never believed that, I always assumed she just liked the attention from other men (since she was quite vain at times)... but she moved on quite fast when I was no longer in the picture. Worse still, the person she moved on to was a creep I had been concerned about since she met him; her 40 year old finance professor (a man with a notorious reputation for sleeping with all of his attractive female students). Basically all of my worst possible scenarios were realized in a single discussion... I was quite upset.

Which brings us to the present. Months have passed now. I've tried to move on as best I can. I continued with my life; hung out with friends, went to school, found a new girl who fell madly in love with me (though it's only a brief fling, she's an exchange student leaving back for her home country in a couple months, likely never to return again... but at least that was nice to know that it wasn't me that messed up my last relationship; I'm downright good at being in relationships)... but I still can't get over the whole thing. Every day I am reminded in some way of how much I loved her, how much I miss her now. Every single day, without any warning I am struck with a sudden painful sinking feeling. We've talked since; things have gotten far worse between us and there is no hope of ever winning her back...

So yah, that's what's got me down. On the bright side, when I am just the right level of sad, I try to lose myself in escapism... so I played Pokemon (90 hours and counting... shame I didn't understand how mining worked until there were almost no rocks left...).

[chuckles]

I'll start, since my issue has been weighing on me a lot recently, and I've run out of people in real life who are interested in me being upset about it (societal norms dictate I should only have feels for about a month).

Our story begins at the end of this past summer; a week before my birthday my fiance (of one year, girlfriend of 4 years) said she wanted to take some time apart. She had been very busy with work and had been feeling down ever since her parents had moved out of the province (being Canadian, moving out of the province basically means they went to another country) and this had been putting a strain on our relationship for quite a while... or so she said was the issue. To put it in perspective, we basically weren't in a relationship anymore, despite being engaged; it got to a point where she refused to acknowledge our relationship publicly because she was worried it would tarnish her career image (or so she said), and she was generally too busy to spend time with me (or so she said). So we took our break.

Fast forward a couple weeks, and she's not feeling well; she takes the day off work and asks that I'd come and bring her a few things (mostly food because she didn't feel up to go shopping). I pick up the groceries and head over to her place; this has been the first time we've hung out since she asked to take a break and I was still quite close and affectionate with her (still loving her as the person who was supposed to be my wife), but as soon as I give her a hug things change. She tells me I can't do that anymore and that she's seeing someone else. Now I had wondered for a while if she had not wanted to be dating me, and was interested in finding someone else; she had said the public display of distance was for professional reasons... and while I never believed that, I always assumed she just liked the attention from other men (since she was quite vain at times)... but she moved on quite fast when I was no longer in the picture. Worse still, the person she moved on to was a creep I had been concerned about since she met him; her 40 year old finance professor (a man with a notorious reputation for sleeping with all of his attractive female students). Basically all of my worst possible scenarios were realized in a single discussion... I was quite upset.

Which brings us to the present. Months have passed now. I've tried to move on as best I can. I continued with my life; hung out with friends, went to school, found a new girl who fell madly in love with me (though it's only a brief fling, she's an exchange student leaving back for her home country in a couple months, likely never to return again... but at least that was nice to know that it wasn't me that messed up my last relationship; I'm downright good at being in relationships)... but I still can't get over the whole thing. Every day I am reminded in some way of how much I loved her, how much I miss her now. Every single day, without any warning I am struck with a sudden painful sinking feeling. We've talked since; things have gotten far worse between us and there is no hope of ever winning her back...

So yah, that's what's got me down. On the bright side, when I am just the right level of sad, I try to lose myself in escapism... so I played Pokemon (90 hours and counting... shame I didn't understand how mining worked until there were almost no rocks left...).

Wow. I felt sad just reading that. At this point, it seems like you should just try to move on and forget about her (as hard as that may be). Delete her contact from your phone if you haven't already, and just drop all communication in general. It won't help. I think she got engaged with you not realizing immediately what that entailed, and what her future would be like as a result; at some point, way later than it should have been, she decided she did not want to be with you forever, or even at all anymore. She broke it off in a horrible way and if people are engaged they should be at a point where they will never want to break up to begin with. Put simply, she's an incredibly selfish and naive person, and she may well do the same thing to other people that she did to you. Despite the time you had together, leave it in the past and try to find somebody different, who wouldn't be so cruel as to toss you out like expired food. See if you can convince this foreigner you're seeing to stay, or at least come and visit. If it works now, you can make it work long-term i'm sure, or at least try pretty damn hard.

Also, an outlet for your stress and depression is very helpful, and playing Pokemon like you are paid to do it is much healthier than many methods that are common in young people these days. So don't feel bad about that. If you can find something you're passionate about, focus on that instead of dwelling in the past, and pretty sure you might be happy before you even realize it.

Edited March 17, 2014 by chuckles

[chuckles]

To be honest? Just completely bushed...I honestly haven't had such a week to remember. I'm emotionally exhausted and I seem to keep leaving a path of destruction the more I travel down the road at Reborn. It's just really unfortunate because I've hurt so many people unintentionally and caused so much stress and I don't think I could ever gather the words to tell those people how sorry I am for doing it...

Tell them. Be honest and serious about it. Even if they don't forgive you, nobody can blame you for trying and a good apology will not hurt anyone. If you can look at yourself and see these things, you can change and be less destructive in the future. You cannot change the past, but you can try to make up for it.

[Gaunt]

I'll start, since my issue has been weighing on me a lot recently, and I've run out of people in real life who are interested in me being upset about it (societal norms dictate I should only have feels for about a month).

Our story begins at the end of this past summer; a week before my birthday my fiance (of one year, girlfriend of 4 years) said she wanted to take some time apart. She had been very busy with work and had been feeling down ever since her parents had moved out of the province (being Canadian, moving out of the province basically means they went to another country) and this had been putting a strain on our relationship for quite a while... or so she said was the issue. To put it in perspective, we basically weren't in a relationship anymore, despite being engaged; it got to a point where she refused to acknowledge our relationship publicly because she was worried it would tarnish her career image (or so she said), and she was generally too busy to spend time with me (or so she said). So we took our break.

Fast forward a couple weeks, and she's not feeling well; she takes the day off work and asks that I'd come and bring her a few things (mostly food because she didn't feel up to go shopping). I pick up the groceries and head over to her place; this has been the first time we've hung out since she asked to take a break and I was still quite close and affectionate with her (still loving her as the person who was supposed to be my wife), but as soon as I give her a hug things change. She tells me I can't do that anymore and that she's seeing someone else. Now I had wondered for a while if she had not wanted to be dating me, and was interested in finding someone else; she had said the public display of distance was for professional reasons... and while I never believed that, I always assumed she just liked the attention from other men (since she was quite vain at times)... but she moved on quite fast when I was no longer in the picture. Worse still, the person she moved on to was a creep I had been concerned about since she met him; her 40 year old finance professor (a man with a notorious reputation for sleeping with all of his attractive female students). Basically all of my worst possible scenarios were realized in a single discussion... I was quite upset.

Which brings us to the present. Months have passed now. I've tried to move on as best I can. I continued with my life; hung out with friends, went to school, found a new girl who fell madly in love with me (though it's only a brief fling, she's an exchange student leaving back for her home country in a couple months, likely never to return again... but at least that was nice to know that it wasn't me that messed up my last relationship; I'm downright good at being in relationships)... but I still can't get over the whole thing. Every day I am reminded in some way of how much I loved her, how much I miss her now. Every single day, without any warning I am struck with a sudden painful sinking feeling. We've talked since; things have gotten far worse between us and there is no hope of ever winning her back...

So yah, that's what's got me down. On the bright side, when I am just the right level of sad, I try to lose myself in escapism... so I played Pokemon (90 hours and counting... shame I didn't understand how mining worked until there were almost no rocks left...).

Ok so first thing first she's a b... i mean a horrible person and well you should stop seeing her (as much as possible), there's a little nice "rule" that i set for myself (you can use it too if you want ), if a person betrays me i cut all ties with that said person so he/she can't betray/hurt me again (all that talk about second chances is bs for me) and this rule worked for me, now i have less friends but i know that i can rely on them (at least for now ), that said i'm a very cold/rational/logic person so this "rule" may be too difficult/unattractive for you. I hope that you can move on from her cuz you know there are more than 7 billion people in the world (and roughly half of them are female) so maybe (just maybe) you can find someone better.

Now i could talk about my problems but i don't have any (i had some in the past but thanks to my "rule" not anymore).

[Joker]

I'm always tired. So tired that it's causing my grades in college to plummet down, and let's just say they're not that great at the moment. On top of that I still don't know what I want in life even after all of this time. Soon I will be at that age where it's time to start my own family or at least build the foundation of it. Yet I don't have any interest in dating. I'm considered weird for it every waking moment and no one really understands. I mean, my parents will eventually want grand kids, but I just don't care enough about starting a relationship to give them that. But hey, if they want grand kids they can just ask my sister. They like her more anyway. Maybe the problem is that I know I'm not likable enough to be given a shot and I'm just trying to push that back and use "not interested" as a less extreme means of dealing with being alone. But enough about that. There's more, but I really don't want to vent too much. I've already vented too much and I'm supposed to be super strong emotionally.

[Gaunt]

I'm always tired. So tired that it's causing my grades in college to plummet down, and let's just say they're not that great at the moment. On top of that I still don't know what I want in life even after all of this time. Soon I will be at that age where it's time to start my own family or at least build the foundation of it. Yet I don't have any interest in dating. I'm considered weird for it every waking moment and no one really understands. I mean, my parents will eventually want grand kids, but I just don't care enough about starting a relationship to give them that. But hey, if they want grand kids they can just ask my sister. They like her more anyway. Maybe the problem is that I know I'm not likable enough to be given a shot and I'm just trying to push that back and use "not interested" as a less extreme means of dealing with being alone. But enough about that. There's more, but I really don't want to vent too much. I've already vented too much and I'm supposed to be super strong emotionally.

In my opinion anyone should do what he/she want so if you want (or not) to be in a relationship that's for you to decide and not your parents, if it's an issue that concerns you personally the only one who can decide is you (at least if you have a little self-respect). I for example will be 25 soon and i don't have any intention to date/marry someone, all my relatives insist that i have to do it but i just don't care.

[Anthalt]

I'm always tired. So tired that it's causing my grades in college to plummet down, and let's just say they're not that great at the moment. On top of that I still don't know what I want in life even after all of this time. Soon I will be at that age where it's time to start my own family or at least build the foundation of it. Yet I don't have any interest in dating. I'm considered weird for it every waking moment and no one really understands. I mean, my parents will eventually want grand kids, but I just don't care enough about starting a relationship to give them that. But hey, if they want grand kids they can just ask my sister. They like her more anyway. Maybe the problem is that I know I'm not likable enough to be given a shot and I'm just trying to push that back and use "not interested" as a less extreme means of dealing with being alone. But enough about that. There's more, but I really don't want to vent too much. I've already vented too much and I'm supposed to be super strong emotionally.

You're in college, being tired is just an unfortunate side effect of a failed capitalist system struggling to impose itself on the youth of today. It's succeeding mind you... Now there's not a lot of solutions for this other than making sure you're eating healthy, getting an hour of outside time each day (even if it means cutting out an hour of something you like doing), and getting enough sleep for who you are. People could never understand at college why I was so rested and still had all my work done, and went to most of the parties but it was just about prioritizing the sleep. When you're well rested you can do everything more efficiently, so you'll get your work done and have time for the parties. As for lower marks; consider talking to your profs about it; with the exception of those few self absorbed pieces of trash (who are in it for the resources and don't want to teach anything), people are in teaching because they love what they're teaching and enjoy when other people understand it too; if you're having trouble, even if you're just like "I'm just too tired" go in and talk to the prof about having trouble with the material; chances are they will set you up with some way of improving your grades and understanding of the material, and getting to know the profs is always good because favouritism is a thing.

I had a housemate who was asexual. He had no interest in reproducing or even being in a relationship. It was never an issue for him; just don't feel forced to conform to the social norms and it won't matter. If you find someone, great; if you don't, no stress. Enjoy being free from a need to consolidate your self worth in the happiness of others. It's not likely that you're not likable, everyone is liked by some type of person, it's far more a matter of finding that person who likes you.

[Ojama Yellow]

I'm always tired. So tired that it's causing my grades in college to plummet down, and let's just say they're not that great at the moment. On top of that I still don't know what I want in life even after all of this time. Soon I will be at that age where it's time to start my own family or at least build the foundation of it. Yet I don't have any interest in dating. I'm considered weird for it every waking moment and no one really understands. I mean, my parents will eventually want grand kids, but I just don't care enough about starting a relationship to give them that. But hey, if they want grand kids they can just ask my sister. They like her more anyway. Maybe the problem is that I know I'm not likable enough to be given a shot and I'm just trying to push that back and use "not interested" as a less extreme means of dealing with being alone. But enough about that. There's more, but I really don't want to vent too much. I've already vented too much and I'm supposed to be super strong emotionally.

I don't have interest in dating at all. In fact, I try to not get into one. What I'm saying is...don't think you're the only one. And the thing about the sister asking because they like her more? Yeap, I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Felicity]

Ok, lets give this a try...

So, two things you should know about me

1: I am a person who was born with an eye defect known as a nystagmus in conjunction with being shortsighted. It is an eye condition which normally develops later on in life due to stress and aging and is recognizable with wobbling eyes. This has resulted in me being less dextrous and coordinated than alot of normal people my age.

2: I can be a prideful person and dont like any kind of achievement or Fasttrack being given to me to make things easier for me. If it means something to me, i will do it with my own abilities or accept the fact i cannot do it.

Ok onto the actual problem. So in my school life, due to my eyes, i have been affiliated with an organisation known as th visual impairment team. Their aim is to help people like me. Sounds good right? Well, in truth they are incredibly generalist in their approach to helping people. *They have bad eyes? MAKE EVERYTHING BIGGER!" At school i am constantly bombarded with ridiculously enlarged sheets which actually hinder my work and each time i bring the topic up with them, they disregard me. It once got to the point where, due to regulations, i and another student received actual foam blocks in a maths test to help us "visualise" the problem. Whilst i understand the good intentions of the group, it irritates and stresses me that they refuse to listen n the numerous times we discussed this and i worry that people who are worse off than me are receiveing the same standardised treatment as me and it also hinders them.It also doesn't help that this is piled onto me during a time that is stressful for everyone and that can affect my future.

Sorry to those of you who have things worse than me and deal with it better. i feel like a whiny bitch compared to other scenarios in my head, but if you took the time to read this, Thank You.

[chuckles]

All right....For the people that have expressed their disinterest in relationships, it's really probably because you (like me, right now) don't want to just get into a relationship randomly because you are pushed into it, you feel a need to, or even just wanting to not be alone. In all honesty though i think that's a good thing; many people these days will start a relationship with somebody very easily and end up even marrying and having children with them, and getting divorced and dealing with that, or otherwise winding up heartbroken and regretting the relationship as a whole. Anthalt, i'm sorry if this upsets you in any way, but i think your story is actually a good example of this; a relationship that seemed fine but didn't work out well and broke apart. Basically, i think it's better for people to wait and see until they find a person that they really connect and get along with. Not just a mutual attraction. Not just some fear of being alone. Not out of some proverbial sense of obligation to contribute to the population. And i don't even mean out of some sense of "love" because there really is no definition for it and i know many people that thought they had it and still broke up from significant problems and differences.

Of course, the occasional fling can be fun, but that's a different situation. My philosophy is that if you aren't pretty sure from the get-go that you won't break up with the person easily, don't even enter into a relationship, and if you find somebody that really connects to you, that you have a bit in common with and that you totally understand and enjoy, you'll be more motivated i'm sure.

Nobody should pursue a relationship just because they are not in one, because people will just end up getting hurt, but unfortunately, that's exactly what most people do.

And for dobby here, see if you can talk to some of them one on one. it's hard to address a group all at once, and they will probably end up having a hive mind that way. If it doesn't work, hell, try and start your own group. I doubt that's impossible or even especially difficult. Voice your needs calmly and rationally and to one person at a time, and if they still don't listen, they probably don't actually care about anybody and they are completely and utterly hopeless. So start your own thing and try to get it done yourself; luckily, unlike in actual government, you might be able to do just that.

Edited March 18, 2014 by chuckles

[Felicity]

Thanks for the advice

[The Fush]

So, is this thread basically Ranting Ahead 2.0?

[chuckles]

So, is this thread basically Ranting Ahead 2.0?

No it's not about ranting or anything. It's about talking about actual important serious stuff, and maybe giving either advice and talking back and forth about it too. And also a little about opening up.

It's serious and fairly psychological i think, not something silly like a ranting topic. You don't come here to express your anger about who won the latest football game in a hateful monologue or something like that. It's supposed to be about people and actual problems, probably ongoing things that they need or want advice on. It doesn't even have to be especially long to detailed, but that is of course how it turns out sometimes which is fine.

[Shamitako]

It's The Support Thread, I've been wondering when we'd get one of these

Expect me to come around here eventually, we have a tendency to just kinda end up here

[chuckles]

It's The Support Thread, I've been wondering when we'd get one of these

Expect me to come around here eventually, we have a tendency to just kinda end up here

See, you understand. Everybody is welcome of course.

[Bear]

Reading everything I can honestly say i can relate to most of the stuff everyone is going through. As one of the older members here I can tell you over the years my future had no sure answers. I've changed my course 3 times and already left a promising full time career opportunity on my own free will. I wasn't happy with what i was doing and the direction it was taking me but hardly anybody i knew in real life seemed to understand. my own mother used to tell her friends when they asked me what i was doing with myself that i was just a "lost soul"

I'm resolved to make myself happy and it seems everyday i have with good/bad experiences, i seem to understand a little more about myself and who i want to be. My aunt has been going through lung cancer, its unlikely she's going to make it. she's like a second mum to me. A couple of other things have meant i've spent more time in hospitals then a guy my age should. more than anything though, this has impacted me by driving me to become a doctor. The reason I'm sharing this is because its something i would never of considered possible when i left school. I had the opportunity just no motivation. It took time and a life lesson to figure this out and now there is almost nothing i want more in the world. My advice to all the other "lost souls" is to be patient and that you can figure out all you personal questions with time.

I'm always tired. So tired that it's causing my grades in college to plummet down, and let's just say they're not that great at the moment. On top of that I still don't know what I want in life even after all of this time. Soon I will be at that age where it's time to start my own family or at least build the foundation of it. Yet I don't have any interest in dating. I'm considered weird for it every waking moment and no one really understands. I mean, my parents will eventually want grand kids, but I just don't care enough about starting a relationship to give them that. But hey, if they want grand kids they can just ask my sister. They like her more anyway. Maybe the problem is that I know I'm not likable enough to be given a shot and I'm just trying to push that back and use "not interested" as a less extreme means of dealing with being alone. But enough about that. There's more, but I really don't want to vent too much. I've already vented too much and I'm supposed to be super strong emotionally.

I want to touch on whole dating / family/ own opinion for youself because i think i can really relate to this. I definitely don't consider myself likeable and my close friends are few in number but i suspect your a ghost type like me. what i mean is we are hard to get to know, just because of who we are naturally but it doesn't mean we aren't worth getting to know. Im sure your family does appreciate you single or not and that the right girl will come with time.

I did have a wonderful relationship with a girl once cause she was brilliant enough to get to know me, which really is a hard task. and now im waiting for the next one to appear.

EDIT: i'm really not this positive in real life but drugs do wonderful things, i kid

Edited March 19, 2014 by Bear

[RubyHeart]

Honestly I don't even know what's wrong with me.

I guess I will just say my whole story.

Three years ago I knew nothing about myself and not much at all. I was living homeless on the streets pretty much just starving and had no life at all. A few months from where my memories began I was found by someone, who today is one of my dear friends. He brought me to see this girl and we all just sat down and talked with each other. The girl then brought me to her house where I met her parents and was later adopted into their family after an investigation on my background blah blah blah. I pretty much learned a lot there and then decided that I wanted to know who I was in the past. After passing by my old house I went into shock because it acted like a memory trigger. What I remembered from that was that my parents and sister were killed in front of me. My personality kinda got messed up after I remembered, like this is how I became 'demonic' in a way as a few of you know. But I wasn't that bad because I had a new life with people that loved me. Last summer was when my adoptive sister, or what ever you call it, passed away. This broke me and someone else I know. I got over it pretty fast but now I just don't even know what's wrong with me. I love people, but I also want to just burn everything to the ground. Every time I try to think which one am I really my chest just hurts and I just stop thinking. I like the way my life is right now, but I'm also scared that I really will hurt someone else at some point.

Edited January 22, 2015 by RubyHeart

[Saber12]

@Alice I had to think a lot after reading this before I decided to post something especially considering the fact that I have never experienced those things in my life personally. What I have to say may be short but I hope it keeps you from hurting someone, including yourself if by chance you've had any thoughts. Be happy about the good times you've had with your friends. Battle me or other easygoing guys on the Reborn server and let loose, make fun of my team, talk about the time when someone stuck chewed up gum to the back of your chair in Algebra class and it was too late for you to make a difference because now that craps on your sweatshirt(oh wait that was me). In all seriousness though, just try to enjoy the peace that you have now. Play with fire in game and not out since it always seems to hurt. If I ever felt the need to burn things, slash things, stab things or smash things, I could do it in art, writing or in games. To me that's what the entertainment media is about; a way to release those inner feelings without harming the people around us. I figure if we share at least that one ideal we won't have to worry about hurting the people we care about.

[chuckles]

Honestly I don't even know what's wrong with me.

I guess I will just say my whole story.

Three years ago I knew nothing about myself and not much at all. I was living homeless on the streets pretty much just starving and had no life at all. A few months from where my memoires began I was found by someone, who today is one of my dear friends. He brought me to see this girl and we all just sat down and talked with each other. The girl then brought me to her house where I met her parents and was later adopted into their family after an investigation on my background. I pretty much learned a lot there and then decided that I wanted to know who I was in the past. After seeing a picture of my old house I went into shock because it acted like a memory trigger. What I remembered from that was that my parents were killed infront of me. My personality kinda got messed up after I remembered, like this is how I became 'demonic' in a way as a few of you know. But I wasn't that bad because I had a new life with people that loved me. Last summer was when my foster sister, or what ever you call it, passed away. This broke me and someone else I know. I got over it pretty fast but now I just don't even know what's wrong with me. I love people, but I also want to just burn everything and everyone. Every time I try to think which one am I really my chest just hurts and I just stop thinking. I like the way my life is right now, but I'm also scared that I really will hurt someone else at some point.

Well, you've been through some heavy trauma. The fact that your actual sense of morality has remained intact is a testament of your willpower and your true feelings about the world. You are certainly angry, perhaps at some sense of God or fate, but you don't act on it which is good. Look, there's nothing that can be done concerning dead people (unless you want to attempt a seance or something along those lines, which....i would not suggest) but you can try to focus on the 'loving side', if you will, and try to simply disregard that fear you have of hurting people. Fear is often a fickle thing; if you dwell on it and worry too much about it, regarding anything, then it will consume you and you might never escape it. That's what will cause you to go mad, or at least hurt somebody. You know those people that are Agoraphobic? That's what happens. It can start as something simple, a worry, a bit of anxiety about something, and if you focus on it you'll become crippled with fear, and i do believe 'crippled' is the appropriate term. It could be said that they lost a battle with their own wandering mind. Anyway, i don't think you're by any means an inherently violent person (those definitely exist) and you'll probably be okay. There's nothing wrong with you at all. It would be more concerning if you took all of that in stride without being sad or angry at all.

[Bluewolf]

Well, ill try this...

Not exactly that anything is wrong with me, it's just, my life is very good right now. Good grades in school, great friends, doing great in music, surrounded by people and family who support and love me; who could want more? Well, things this good always come with a catch: I can have a great life, but I have to keep my innermost feelings and thoughts on the inside. Whenever I try to tell someone why I'm sad or upset out of nowhere they either misinterpret it, pass it off as a 'phase' or tell me im being over dramatic and to not worry about. However, pushing my feelings downward has only caused more trouble. So I've resorted to wearing the false guise so everything runs smoothly. If everyone around me is happy, so am I. I've done this so much that lying is easy, and I hate it. I hate having to lie people I love and I hate having people tell me that I 'don't know' or understand what I'm going through. I don't need anybody to tell me that im vain, envious, manipulative, dishonest or shady, I know that and I've accepted who I am. Because people refuse to accept who I am, ive shutout my heart from an early age. So long that it has gotten to the point in which It can barely breath, making me sharp, indifferent and lazy; im losing my empathy. And yes, I know that everyone wants to feel free, free to say what their heart feels, free to live without secrets. Lately my heart has been opening up again and feelings I thought I had smothered and killed have come back to haunt me. They're causing problem that I don't need and they won't let me ignore them. Not even the normal treatment of music writing and poetry are helping. I just have to survive till high school is over atleast, I have to. I feel like I can't trust anyone else but me with these feelings. Like I'm hiking a trail with a backpack just like everyone else, except ive got a gash on my leg thats been festering and a disease that has been eating away at my body. But I still smile, shake hands, talk excitedly and pepper my speach with jubilance as to not be left behind to be ravaged by the wolves. I guess this is selfish of me, and i guess so many people are going and have already gone through this. I just needed to get this off my chest and tell someone. Just saying 'I understand' goes a long way sometimes, if only people knew...

[Tempest]

Normally I wouldn't do this, but I kind of need some advice.

For the past around month or so, I've been having some issues. I've been relapsing into things I drove out years ago. My grades are slipping, and while I'm in no danger of dropping the class, even an A- drives me fucking nuts. If it was due to the class being difficult, I'd be okay with this, but this ordeal is caused by my own laziness and complete lack of motivation. I mean hell, I'm going to be doing an assignment on my way to school tomorrow that I could have done in fifteen minutes tonight, but I stayed on the server, because I just had no motivation to do the assignment. This laziness shows up everywhere in my life. Not wanting to go play lacrosse or golf, both of which I love tremendously, and even here. I've been lazy about modding the forums. I've been complacently saying another mod will get it, which is exactly what I told myself I wouldn't be and was one of my criticisms when I first joined. This just leads to me be undergoing needless stress, which I already have enough of in my life, and I can't bring myself to make a change. I simply don't know why I can't get up off my ass and do something, even when I know I should.

The stress caused by this just compounds the other issues I've been having. I suppose I should provide context. When I was younger, I had an explosive like temper and an enormously over active conscience: I'm was extremely self conscience. However, I hated these traits of myself and was able to drive them out of my character. But as of late, they're both reoccurring, leading to me having outbursts in my own life and on here, like just tonight when I snapped at another member or in my own life, when I ended up making some my best friends cry after I snapped when they ignored me for the entirety of my vacation. It's interfering with my ability to judge and compromising my ability to do my job around here as well as I'd like to. Then after that happens, the self conscienceness kicks in and I feel extremely guilty or very self critical over a minute situation that is of almost no importance. Then I end up apologizing for said action and just making my self feel even worse for making my self look weak and making people worried.

All of this just goes on to make the problem worse, with me snapping more and more explosively, then feeling more guilty and self critical because of it, and then my grades fall again and the whole cycle starts over again, albeit worse the previous iteration.

[Mikzal]

That happened to me too, Tempest. Earlier than you. I went from being the smartest guy in the class to the middle of that list in 3 years, and I hate school with all my heart. I blame my own lazyness and my computer. I spend almost all of my time on my laptop doing non-productive things, and it has only made me feel bad about myself. I'm so little active that I'm starting to become a bit "fat".

[RubyHeart]

Thanks guys.

I will try to keep thinking about the good things in my life.

I don't feel anger towards anything, maybe towards fate, but I got over the things that made me angery a while ago when I was told revenge would only make things worse.

I don't really know much else to say other than thank you for helping I guess.